Thursday, 1 April 2004

I haven't blogged for a while. I have had a shocker of a couple of weeks but it has definitely been a faith building experience and I actually feel quite positive and excited despite the distress. My fiance and I have had real dramas over where to live when we are married. We found a place and had an awful time moving in. There was the shocking driveway, the negative nosy neighbour and a generally yucky feeling about the place. I am not one to go in for hyper sensitive spiritual stuff but we definitely felt that it was a spiritually yucky place. So we made the scary decision to give notice after only one weekend. We immediately felt better.

So this last weekend we looked at new places. We found some great ones and I realised how I limit my expectations of what God can provide. so much of the reasoning about accepting the last place had been about thinking we couldn't get anything better. We loved one place more than the rest as it was newly redecorated, quiet and in a block of nice little units with professionals living in them. We also loved the fact that we both know the area really well and feel like it is already home. The landlord is lovely.

So God does provide what you need. I am so glad that we had the courage to leave the yucky place and that we really believed that there was somewhere for us. I kind of feel like we have been too blessed and that sceptical and pessimistic part of me thinks there are other people in need of much more than us. But I don't think God works on a continuum of need, making decisions based on who has greater need in comparision with someone else, only helping those who 'earn' it through their suffering. However there does seem to be injustice in the blessings some people receive while others struggle on.

One of the amazing things is that over this stressful time my fiance and I have grown closer together. There has been no blame laying and we feel even more sure that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Throughout our relationship we have struggled to work out how to make God the centre and still be genuine and real. The pressure and stress we have both been under has meant we have prayed together and clung to God and therefore our faiths have been strengthened. It feels like when I was a teenager and went on Scripture Union camps. I would have these really intense weeks of being so aware of God but then return to the 'real world' and think it was impossible to live like that all the time. Now I have seen a glimpse of what it is like to have God behind me and before me in my daily life and I am thirsty for more. I feel invigorated and hopeful that as adulthood and all the responsibilities it entails stretches before me, that I can live a purposeful and radical life.

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