Tuesday, 12 April 2005

Discipline hmmmm... Well it is a tricky subject and something of an issue which I don't seem to have made much headway with in my few short years here on earth. I tend to swing between the fear of guilt side of my personality who views discipline as something which leads to failure which then leads to guilt so better to avoid it altogether. Then I swing back to the hardline self-flagellating view where the harder it is and the less you want to do it the more disciplined you should be about always doing it. This of course always leads to failure and again the pendulum swings.

I recently finished reading the M Scott Peck book The Road Less Travelled which sets out a "new" psychology based on the belief that all people should be working towards spiritual growth in the widest sense and the enemy of this growth is laziness so by applying discipline and living consciously we can see reality as it is more and more which then leads to growth. Peck argues that all sin is actually laziness and he makes a very compelling case. He also argues in favour of grace, that despite often horrific trauma in a person's life they still seem to be able to function and grow more than people who have had apparently sweeter lives. He discusses the fact that love is also a form of discipline and not just an emotion. Overall a very challenging and invigorating book and I agreed with much of it.

But now I am here. 3 weeks since finishing the book and trying to put it principles into action and I am lacking discipline. The thrill of new ideas and resulting passion is over and I feel tired. It's the end of the term for goodness sake! But I know that this is when it really counts. When you don't feel like it.

I guess what I really need to work out is my definition of discipline. I see it as punishment instead of freedom and in this I do think I need an act of grace to help me to see it in a new light.
While reading the book I knew I needed to learn something from it. Now I need an act of God and a growing of myself in order to avoid falling into the same narrow view of just poopooing the ideas. Saying to myself "Isn't this just an example of people demanding more from me?" or "Isn't Christianity about grace and freedom not guilt?". But I know truly that the problem is with me and my ideas and my issues. So I will nut away at this and I guess where grace comes in is to realise I cannot be perfect and never will be but not to let that gift become an excuse to stop and stand still and say "I've done enough".

So here we go. I will try to mark a set of marking which has been sitting on my desk for a couple of weeks tonight. Not because I want to, or I will enjoy it but because it needs to be done. And I will try tonight to read the Bible and pray. Because I know I need it and I know Jesus loves it and what kind of relationship am I having with Jesus if I can't be bothered to even communicate?

Sunday, 10 April 2005

I am a bad, bad blogger! It has been so long since my last post (last confession). I have been survivng at school adn trying to get work done before I blog but now that we have internet at home I have no excuse!

I have been going through some major ups and downs. Nothing major has happened but a couple of weeks ago I was so motivated to make so many changes and improvements in my life. I am now sick, it's the end of the term and I couldn't care less. If I get to work not naked and can bluff my way through the day i figure I am doing okay for now. The holidays start in one week and they can't come soon enough.

It is our one year wedding anniversary next week. Wow, a whole year! It has gone so fast, and been pretty fantastic. We are just carrying on. Hubby is doing Uni, I am doing school and we are planning a holiday in Melbourne in July. I am becoming more and more content and settled.

A couple of weeks ago I had a breakthrough with my habitual restlessness. I said to someone that I thought God had given us this time for preparation. we are both quite tied down to what we are doing at the moment adn we can't make any drastic changes but suddenly It clicked. There is a purpose to this time. We are not getting "left behind" and there is a reason for this season. Since then I have felt a real peace. It is amazing how powerful verbalising something can be to help you realise it is true.

Since then my attitude to work and life in general has improved and I am thinking about the little things I can do to prepare for whatever God may call us to in the future. I know what my passions are and there are so many possibilities for using them so I want to use this time to explore them and what the future could hold. I am considering doing a mission discipleship course to explore where I see myself and to work through issues still unresolved since I was invloved in leadership in a Christian group at Uni. I also want to find a way of further intergrating my faith and life.

So yeah, I am sick and tired but thinking and looking forward to keeping on keeping on!