Tuesday, 2 October 2007

Still in shock

The last couple of weeks have gone by so fast. Returning to work and dealing with being a totally different person than when I left, dealing with people saying things and not saying things. Thankfully the school holidays arrived and saved me from the intensity of it all. But burying myself in work has been such a relief. It allows my brain and heart to rest from all the thinking and helps me to feel like myself again.

It is hard as the distance from 'that weekend' grows. Am I supposed to feel better? Instead it is like after you have had a filling. At first you are numb and it is uncomfortable and awkward but you have no idea of the pain. But then it slowly appears as the anaesthetic wears off. My pain is appearing over the horizon.

I drive around, I walk around and I want to scream "What just happened?! Why hasn't the world stopped?! The is too much!" But then life just keeps rolling along.

I have been trying to keep busy and surrounded by people but I have reached the point of exhaustion and need my own company and thoughts. It physically hurts to be alone with it all but it also stops me from forgetting. And the last thing I want to do is forget. I get so sad when I feel okay, as if it hasn't happened. But I know it will get easier to be in the world and living normally without feeling like that means denying the reality of it all.

Today I had a session with a grief counsellor. It was such a relief to talk and cry about the deep down things which I have felt too scared to say aloud. It helped me to not be so scared and to know that I am doing okay.

Each day is so new and unexpected but hopefully soon the reality of what happened will no longer shock me.