Tuesday, 4 September 2007

What now?

So we had an appointment yesterday which basically means we are on hold for any family plans for the next year or so. So what do I do with myself now? I was quite happy to be leaving work at the end of the year and being a Mum at home. So now what?

I think this is making the grief even more severe. I am not only grieving what we have lost and the innocense which is also gone, but also I am left with a blank future, at least for the next year or so. And I was really happy with the way it was panning out.

Now somewhere I need to find the energy to get a new plan. Cause if I don't, what will there be except sadness? I need a plan to work on, for some hope and to have some sense of purpose when things seem so senseless and the purpose I want to fulfill is not there. So maybe I can become that passionate again teacher, and maybe we could become homeowners?

Somehow those dreams which used to seem important and which I worried about missing out on while I was pregnant seem so empty and just aren't seeming to fill the hole, which seems to be all I am at the moment. One great, cavernous hole.

I spent time with God this morning and there were a few expletives. I am hanging on tight, but He is going to have to hang on tighter. This is one journey I never bought a ticket for and a ride you just can't get off.

Sunday, 2 September 2007

Getting Angry

They say that the stages of grief begin with denial and then move to anger. I think I am moving to anger. Up until now I have been able to see the silver lining in losing our baby, there are so many things we were wanting to do and sort out and waiting a bit longer to start a family will make those things possible.

But, to be honest, who cares?!!! I just want to have a baby! And not having one after thinking we were for over 14 weeks just sucks. I am definitely not a patient person but now my impatience has moved to mammoth proportions.

I have to admit the anger is quite refreshing as being very philosophical and positive was starting to make me feel like a Hallmark card, rather than a real person. I was able to take my philosophical self to Jesus quite easily, but my angry self is more of a challenge. However, I am determined that I do.

The worst thing that could happen for me out of this experience is that I can't be close to Jesus. I have had a miraculous change in my perception of God and ability to relate to him and I am not prepared to lose that, especially when I feel I have already lost so much.

Tomorrow we have a follow up appointment and we will find out how long we may have to wait before trying to start a family again. I am at the point where I desperately need to know what the new plan is. Maybe then I can move from anger into the next stage of grief. I have no idea what that stage is? This whole experience is like walking down a blind alley and I realise what I am going through after being buried in it for a while. Sigh...