Tuesday, 4 September 2007

What now?

So we had an appointment yesterday which basically means we are on hold for any family plans for the next year or so. So what do I do with myself now? I was quite happy to be leaving work at the end of the year and being a Mum at home. So now what?

I think this is making the grief even more severe. I am not only grieving what we have lost and the innocense which is also gone, but also I am left with a blank future, at least for the next year or so. And I was really happy with the way it was panning out.

Now somewhere I need to find the energy to get a new plan. Cause if I don't, what will there be except sadness? I need a plan to work on, for some hope and to have some sense of purpose when things seem so senseless and the purpose I want to fulfill is not there. So maybe I can become that passionate again teacher, and maybe we could become homeowners?

Somehow those dreams which used to seem important and which I worried about missing out on while I was pregnant seem so empty and just aren't seeming to fill the hole, which seems to be all I am at the moment. One great, cavernous hole.

I spent time with God this morning and there were a few expletives. I am hanging on tight, but He is going to have to hang on tighter. This is one journey I never bought a ticket for and a ride you just can't get off.

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