Friday, 16 November 2007

Not waving, but drowning

I am popping my head up above the surface every now and then. I have felt overwhelmed by the reality of what I am going through but today I feel it lifting. It is so hard accepting that I am no longer pregnant and will not be having a baby in February. But there is something comfortingly real about the cold, hard facts. I find myself being swept away by grief and it physically hurts, but facts are what brings me back to the surface. You would think the facts would be so hard to deal with, but instead it is the pain and sadness which is the hardest for me to face.

It is easy at a time like this to justify not being able to function based on what I have lost. And yes, it is huge and horrible. But it is so much worse when I disappear under it all. Today I went for a walk. That was all it took to lift me for today. A walk is based on the fact that I need to excercise to be healthy. It is not based on how I feel. It is a relief to have a fact to cling to when my head is spinning.

Another fact is that my specialist has given me a date when I will be discharged. That is when all the follow up blood tests should end and when I will be free to get on with my life. That fact is really helping. I can see 2008, where as before it was a huge grey blur.

Another fact which is helping me deal with everything is the financial reality of another year to save a deposit for a house, and the consequences if we don't. Even though my idealism wishes that money was no consideration, that is just crazy! I feel like saving hard and getting real about the cost of the life we want is preparing me to be a good parent, so it feels purposeful.

Today is a day for reality - baby shower to attend. Each experience like this helps me to accept my situation and live in it, rather than wanting to jump out of my own life and into someone elses. Isn't that weird? Maybe it is just how I feel today, but I am going to cling to it.