Sunday, 2 September 2007

Getting Angry

They say that the stages of grief begin with denial and then move to anger. I think I am moving to anger. Up until now I have been able to see the silver lining in losing our baby, there are so many things we were wanting to do and sort out and waiting a bit longer to start a family will make those things possible.

But, to be honest, who cares?!!! I just want to have a baby! And not having one after thinking we were for over 14 weeks just sucks. I am definitely not a patient person but now my impatience has moved to mammoth proportions.

I have to admit the anger is quite refreshing as being very philosophical and positive was starting to make me feel like a Hallmark card, rather than a real person. I was able to take my philosophical self to Jesus quite easily, but my angry self is more of a challenge. However, I am determined that I do.

The worst thing that could happen for me out of this experience is that I can't be close to Jesus. I have had a miraculous change in my perception of God and ability to relate to him and I am not prepared to lose that, especially when I feel I have already lost so much.

Tomorrow we have a follow up appointment and we will find out how long we may have to wait before trying to start a family again. I am at the point where I desperately need to know what the new plan is. Maybe then I can move from anger into the next stage of grief. I have no idea what that stage is? This whole experience is like walking down a blind alley and I realise what I am going through after being buried in it for a while. Sigh...

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