Wednesday, 29 August 2007

Sad news

The last few days are a crazy blur. On Friday we found out our baby had died and that there were some other complications. We had to wait till Monday for me to have surgery and I am now recovering at home. I can't believe how everything has changed in such a short time.

Our friends and family have been amazing and I have been overwhelmed by the love people have shown. I have also been so grateful to God for how he has prepared me for this. In a weird way lots of things have happened in the last few weeks that are helping me to accept this and to see hope, even in the midst of deep sadness.

My husband and I are so grateful for each other and the relationship God has built between us. We were both so excited to be beginning our family, but we are making plans to make the most of the time we have just as a couple.

There is such a loss of innocense with the loss of a baby. I had had such a sense of peace and we hadn't had any scans until the one on Friday. Now I need to say goodbye to that and accept the reassurance that medical intervetion can give.

I feel tired by the journey we are only just beginning as we deal with this, but I know we are no alone.

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

Who am I?

I have been thinking a lot about how my identity is going to change once the baby arrives and I am actually really looking forward to it. I have had creeping dissatisfaction with working for the last couple of years and even though I love lots about my work I am looking forward to the change of pace and focus of being at home. Apparently teachers have the highest rates of post natal depression. I think probably because we love people contact and control, which often disappear for Mums at home. I know that I will have to protect myself from that but I am also excited about learning a new craft, the craft of being a Mum.

I have learnt a lot about myself over the last year or so and the changes that I have seen in myself give me a lot more confidence about managing such a massive change in my identity. I used to have my worth so wrapped up in what I did and what I managed to achieve. Now I think I have a more balanced view and no my worth remains constant no matter what I strive for or the failures or mistakes I make. I think I also have stopped taking life and myself so seriously. I don't want to be too intense now and especially when the baby arrives. Hopefully I can still laugh despite sleep deprivation and inconsolable crying.

One thing I find problematic is how much my identity is already changing in my own mind and the fact that my workmates cannot see those changes because they are not part of our work life. It is difficult to deal with the gap between the way I am perceived and how I see myself. But I am learning to let it go and also to revel in the quiet changes that are only observable to me as I move towards a totally new job!

Tuesday, 7 August 2007

The Hibernation is Over!

I have been absent from cyberspace for the last few months. I haven't been feeling my usual purky self. Actually I have been feeling awful. But I am starting to feel better so I am back online.
Thankfully there is a very logical reason for me to be feeling so under the weather. I am 14 weeks pregnant!
I am very happy and excited about this new phase of my life. Now that the morning sickness seems to be diminishing I am starting to actually get excited! We have wanted to start a family for a while but have been waiting for the right time. So here it is.

It is quite a bizarre experience to think there is a little person growing inside me. It has taken a lot to get my head around it all and I don't think I am quite there yet. This week I will hear the heartbeat for the first time. I have no idea how I will react but I hope it helps me to bond a little more with the bean, actually more like an orange now.

I am not very good at keeping secrets so the first few weeks when we didn't want everyone knowing were quite bizarre. We told our close family and friends, knowing we would want their support if things didn't go well. But here we are and the cat is now really out of the bag. Work knows and slowly the gossip mill is working its magic. I am a teacher so at some point I will have to tell the kids. But for now I think I will wait till one of them says "You're looking pretty fat miss!". Gotta love the directness of teenagers.

At the moment there is not much to show for the all action going on inside me and I am really looking forward to my bump appearing. I am sure the time will come when I wish it wasn't there but I love the way your body reveals the miracle happening inside.

The baby is due on February 3rd 2008 and between now and then there feels like there is a lot to do. Especially a lot of thinking to do about parenting and the family by husband and I want to create. One of the best things at the moment is talking to my Mum and Mother in Law about their experiences and what it was like for them to be at home with kids. It makes the whole process seem more normal and the nostalgia and softness they use to describe it really makes me look forward to it all. I also really appreciate their candour about the awful days and the struggles. It helps to know that ordinary women can do the extraordinary job of being Mums, so maybe I can too!