Wednesday, 8 August 2007

Who am I?

I have been thinking a lot about how my identity is going to change once the baby arrives and I am actually really looking forward to it. I have had creeping dissatisfaction with working for the last couple of years and even though I love lots about my work I am looking forward to the change of pace and focus of being at home. Apparently teachers have the highest rates of post natal depression. I think probably because we love people contact and control, which often disappear for Mums at home. I know that I will have to protect myself from that but I am also excited about learning a new craft, the craft of being a Mum.

I have learnt a lot about myself over the last year or so and the changes that I have seen in myself give me a lot more confidence about managing such a massive change in my identity. I used to have my worth so wrapped up in what I did and what I managed to achieve. Now I think I have a more balanced view and no my worth remains constant no matter what I strive for or the failures or mistakes I make. I think I also have stopped taking life and myself so seriously. I don't want to be too intense now and especially when the baby arrives. Hopefully I can still laugh despite sleep deprivation and inconsolable crying.

One thing I find problematic is how much my identity is already changing in my own mind and the fact that my workmates cannot see those changes because they are not part of our work life. It is difficult to deal with the gap between the way I am perceived and how I see myself. But I am learning to let it go and also to revel in the quiet changes that are only observable to me as I move towards a totally new job!

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