Tuesday, 16 March 2004

When I read through my last few blog entries I realised it is not suprising that I feel on edge and rather stressed. My fiance is moving into our new place on Saturday. We have stuff in three different locations which all needs to be co-ordinated to one location. Big job but I can't wait to have our own space, even if I won't be living in it for another 4 weeks.

I am sooo over being engaged. I am sick of organising stuff. Why does deciding you want to spend the rest of your life with someone equal becoming a manic, diarised control freak?
My relationship with my diary has definitely changed over the last few months. I used to stare longingly at the pages, willing the distance between the present and the future would be shorter. I filled in lists of things to do each week and tried to fill evenings and weekends with stuff.

Now I feel like I don't have enough time. Everything has suddenly gone mad with busyness. Not just our wedding but other people's engagements, work stuff and moving. I never used to use my diary much but now it feels like the line between sanity and chaos is held in that small, spiral bound notebook. Now I dream of a boring life, of an empty social calendar and weekends where all there is to do is sleep and do housework. I would get bored after a week but at least I wouldn't be having anxiety attacks!

At the weekend I baked a batch of cookies. I don't think I have done anything more therapeutic in a long while. Yeah for being a homemaker, at least for an hour. Don't know how I would handle it full time. I wonder whether Martha Stewart being jailed has reduced the pressure on women to have a perfect home, family, marriage and life? I hope so. Maybe we can reclaim the home as a home, not the domain of stress and inadequacy.

What a bumble of thoughts!!

No comments:

Post a Comment