Wednesday, 30 June 2010

We are one!

Last week Ella turned one. What a huge milestone and what a celebration. Ella is growing so fast and is such a delight. I love seeing her personality develop and as she learns I feel like I am getting to know who she really is bit by bit. It is funny cause when she was born I loved her, but I didn't know who she was. A year on I can see bits of me and bits of her Dad but there are parts of her which are pure Ella. It is like slowly unwrapping a gift and glimpsing more and more but still having the joy of anticipation.

I have to admit though as her birthday came and went I kept thinking about this time a year ago and how little I knew about what the last year would hold for us as a family and particularly me. This year has officially been the most difficult, painful, shocking, amazing, joyous and miraculous of my entire life. I imagine many people must feel like that after having their first child.

As her birthday dawned I thought about being in labour and her birth, holding her for the first time, but then the terrible slide into darkness and unreality that was depression for me. And I am so sad about that. And it really was horrific. But then I think about how quickly life improved and that now I am managing being a Mum, holding down a job and feeling pretty fantastic. Actually probably better than I have felt for years. So on the other side now I can see how even though it was absolutely awful, I would never want to give back all the strength I have found, the change in me and my family through sharing such a challenging time and the new hope I have now. And most of all the compassion I feel for new mothers and the challenges we all face as parents.

I have always been so terrified of the hard things in life, the tragedy and trauma that we all have to face. But I can say that I have walked through the fire and I am okay, complete with my scars which are still healing. When I think back to who I was I much prefer the new me that is being created and the deep joy I know in my life now.

Thank you Ella for sharing your first year with me.

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