Saturday, 12 June 2010


I have been MIA for the last wee while as I have been struck down with virus after virus for the last couple of months. Ella seems to pick up something just as I get a bit better and then down I go again. So last week I decided something had to change and went to a naturopath. I think they are great for when you aren't sick enough for the doctor to help but you aren't well. As a result I am on a mineral supplement and probiotics to boost my immunity as well as echinacia to ward off those bugs and a good multi vitamin. But the biggest benefit was when she drew up a timetable of my week and blocked out when I was busy. A bit shocking really. Almost all of every day was blocked out. I needed someone objective to tell me I was doing too much and that I needed to take better care of myself. I certainly hadn't listened to my Mum!

But that is the challenge for me. When I am tired and run down being around other people energises me. To a point. But it had turned into avoidance of my life and the reality that I have been burning out. And depression lurks around that ugly corner of not listening to myself and my body. So I have begun the task of dropping things and pulling back. And it is hard to admit that I can't do everything, but what I find scariest is when I am not busy I have to be with myself more. I have to sit with where I am really at and can't hide behind doing things. I am realising how unhealthy it is to feel afraid of myself and of facing my feelings. Especially those feelings which are negative, like sadness and disappointment and worst of all, fear.

When I first started to recover from PND it was so liberating to be able to leave the house and go and do things. But my new liberation needs to begin. To be able to say no and stay home and be still, well as still as you can be with a toddler.

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