Wednesday, 16 May 2007

Do you find it hard to know what you think? To know who you are and what you are about?
I am really struggling with this and I am only just realising what a profound impact it has on my life. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am a rather opinionated woman. But having opinions about non-personal issues and ideas is pretty straight forward for me.
What I find hard is knowing my own mind, hearing myself think above the racket of comparing myself with others. I really struggle at times to remember what I used to think or feel, especially after being around someone who as a very appealing or strong approch to life.

An example of this is the process we just went through in buying our new car. We wanted lots of input cause we are just not car people. So we asked lots of people, some expert and some not so expert and pooled their advice. Overall there was not a lot of agreement. They were all just their opinions based on their own experience or priorities and in the end we had to make the decision ourselves and carry the risk of that. It was amazing to realise that apart from the obvious, common sense views, everyone makes their own decisions and what one person does can be very different from the next person.

Even deeper than that is knowing your own thoughts. I know it may sound a bit like I am losing it, but when I am around people who seem to have it all sorted I latch onto the decisions they have made and find it hard to remember I am not them. And that I might need to walk a different path. I like the security that a tried and tested way of being offers. Stepping out and making my own way is really scary. The apparent certainty of others is very attractive when I feel so unsure.

I am a details person so even the tiny details of someone elses life seems to affect me. How they organise their day, what food they eat, what pen they use...
When I write it like that it seems pretty pathetic to be influenced so easily!

I think for me the scariest thing I have realised recently is that by not having good boundaries between my mind and other people, I also sabotage my relationship with God. That is a relationship where no-one else is there to copy or filter myself through. So there is this sense of being very vulnerable and also it has highlighted how out of touch with myself I can be. I trully believe I will only know myself really, through relationship with Jesus. But it is scary to be alone before God, with no answers and no excuses. But what freedom I can glimpse in that. I hope one day it will not just be a glimpse...

2 comments:

  1. Hi Marion. I am not sure if i have you current email address, so thought i would comment here instead... we are in auckland next week and would love to see you guys. Plan is that we'll go to the cock and bull on tuesday for drinks and dinner, and anyone who can make it comes too, for however long you can...
    so from 5.30pm Tuesday 3 july, cock and bull... it's be lovely to see you both!
    lynne-t AT paradise dot net dot nz

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  2. I am so sorry I missed your comment as I haven't been checking regularly. Hope you had a lovely time up here and you are all well. Hopefully there will be a chance to catch up again soon.

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