Dreams fulfilled

This week I got my dream job. For years I have wanted to work in a teen parent unit and the opportunity has come up to work part time teaching English. As I was interviewed and then started preparing for the term to start I have been amazed that so much of my teaching experience which I thought was a big mess of restlessness and bad decisions turns out to have prepared me so well for this role. I feel like my career path is being redeemed. And I have my passion back. I am full of ideas and excitement about working with these young women. And I am so grateful to God for his goodness. Ella will be just across the road so I can continue to feed her and see her when I need to and I am able to work the days which suit. I really couldn't ask for more.

I truly gave my work situation over to God and have so little energy and not much confidence in myself that I have really had to leave it all in His hands. And this means I have a real sense of peace about the job. He has opened all the doors and put everything in place so I can trust Him with how it will work out. And all my past experiences are helping me to have realistic expectations of people and what it will be like but also inspiring me to risk more in my commitment and vision for what I could do.

For the first time I think I have my dream job!

A beautiful moment

Sleep - the eternal debate. I have been struggling with helping Ella to sleep. She is a really alert baby and struggles to relax enough to sleep. But this morning as I fed her after trying to settle her for a while she peacefully closed her eyes, turned her head away and stretched towards her cot. I put her down and she drifted off. What a beautiful moment where I was able to help her to relax and then she was able to tell me she wanted to go to bed now. Many people have told me not to feed to sleep but Ella has told exactly what to do and I love that we can communicate so well now. It is times like these that all my confusion and questioning turns to clarity and love for my sweet girl and how smart she is.

Pride comes before a fall

Sometimes I have magical weeks where it seems like everything is going smoothly. Ella and I seem to have this whole thing sorted. I am doing lots and getting lots done. The house is clean, the laundry done and I have managed to cook each night. I feel I am awesome at this motherhood thing. But I also call these weeks manic weeks. Because it is not reality, it cannot last. I am doing too much and eventually the wheels fall off. Ella stops sleeping during the day, or I have a crisis of confidence or I get sick or any number of normal things happen and I realise again that perfection is not a target or a goal.

I am a very task orientated person and I love routine and achieving things each day. But being Ella's Mum is not about that. It is a relationship and you can't be in relationship with someone by setting up systems and structures. Instead you love and care for another person by being available, by listening, by risking and responding. And slowly I am letting myself truly relate and respond to Ella. Every day is different for me so why wouldn't it be for her?

I often fall into the trap of thinking predictability and structure will make life more manageable. But it doesn't. It often results in me doing too much and feeling like I have to perform each day at a certain level. Instead by going with my energy each day and where Ella is at I find that I am more joyful in each day. I am more in touch with my own voice and hers and feel so much more satisfaction. And I tend to avoid the huge crashes which come at the end of a 'manic week'.

So life muddles on. I has taken the best part of the week to recover from our camping trip and have the house in some semblance of tidiness. But in that time I have rested and enjoyed Ella. So I keep learning that when I feel so proud about how wonderfully I am managing everything maybe it is time to slow down and muddle a bit more.

Doing too much

The last few weeks I have been doing some part time work from home. It has been really difficult. I found myself resenting Ella's interuptions to my flow of work and the pressure of deadlines with the unpredictable reality of a young baby was so stressful. But now that it is over I realise I learnt a lot. I can work very fast when I need too. That when Ella is awake she is a joy and I never want to wish her away. That when a baby sleeps it is bliss, for her and me! That life is not able to be planned and structured the way a work place is. I want to be interuptible. Amazing blessings and fun can be had when it wasn't planned and I want to be open to that. One of the best times is when I am tired and lie down on the floor with Ella while she plays. It really does simplify my perspective. I can't see the stuff that needs to be done and it is all about the next funny face, silly noise or cuddle. Or in Ella's case - spew!

Also when I took this work on I thought I had to do it on my own and felt a failure when I had to ask family and friends for help to look after Ella so I could work. But it is true that it takes a village. It is impossible to do it on my own and Ella has had wonderful times with the special people in her life. I am sure many mothers are struggling on in their homes, scared to ask for help for fear of looking like they can't hope. But we are not supposed to be alone, that is just what our cities and towns and homes do to us. I am so grateful for the amazing support I have and am really recognising that I am only a part of group of people who are helping Ella grow up.

Making a mother

The last few weeks have been pretty rough. Ella is waking between 4 and 6 times each night and it is taking its toll. I have struggled to work out how far I am prepared to go to get her to sleep for longer at night. And last night we had a dash to A and E cause she wouldn't feed. These experiences and my chats with other Mums have led to some pretty real reflection on being a mother and all it involves. I was talking with my coffee group and we all agreed that if we had really know what motherhood was like most of us wouldn't have wanted to get pregnant. But the tricky thing is that once you are there is no going back so no-one tells you how it really is and even if they did I wouldn't have listened as my desire for a child was so strong.

And that is the big difference. Now my desire is not for a 'child' or a 'baby'. Now being a mother is about a relationship, it is about loving and caring for Ella. No longer is she a faceless and nameless baby who invokes much cluckiness. Now she is my daugher, my unique and precious gift who I love watching for ours and want to do all I can to comfort and encourage and get to know.

My husband and I have a had a rough start to parenthood but we would never want to give Ella up. But we are both once bitten, twice shy of pregnancy, birth and parenthood. It is the hardest thing we have both ever done, the biggest change, the most challenging situation for our marriage and the most consuming part of our lives.

So I was not immediately a mother just because Ella was born. I am becoming a mother as I realise what caring for Ella really means and I am being stretched and grown in ways I never thought I would. As I paced the lounge last night and sat up to sleep as that was the only way I could settle Ella I thought "Why am I not going completely mad?" The answer being I am Ella's Mum. There is no-one else, this is my job and no-one else can do this. But I have to admit if I have to do that tonight I might be tempted to put an ad in the paper for a replacement...

Wear what fits

I haven't been getting much sleep. I think this must be a universal truth spoken by all parents. My husband and I have been trying to find ways to get a bit more. And it is a tricky business. There is so much advice when it comes to sleep and so many promises but few actual guarantees. What I have found is that it isn't just the technique which matters but whether that technique feels right and fits my way of being a Mum to Ella. I already knew I wasn't happy to leave her to cry but even that isn't as simple as it sounds. What is crying? Is it a grizzle or a hysterical sobbing? At the weekend we hit the sleep deprivation wall and needed to do something. So I read a book and we tried a few things. By the end of the weekend I was sleeping on the couch because I was so on edge waiting for her to wake the soothing and settling to begin again. I am sure my husband and I were in no fit state to be driving let alone looking after a small child. Oh the irony.

I spent some time reflecting blearily about why I was so on edge and concluded that following someone elses operating instructions for my own child just wasn't sitting well with me. Many of the recommendations in the book were helpful but the process seemed to disconnect me from my wee girl and generalised her. So on Sunday night I decided to just do what felt right to me and what preserved the most sleep for us. Ella still woke 5 times but she was back to sleep in a few minutes and I didn't sleep on the couch. In the morning I woke refreshed and feeling like a good Mum again.

At the moment dark circles under my eyes may just be normal but I don't want to feel a stranger to my child. That is so much worse that any lack of sleep. It steals the joy that keeps me going despite my fatigue.

The simple life

Over the last few weeks I have been slowly getting used to being on my own with Ella. I am so pleased to not need someone with me anymore and to feel so well now. However, it often seems as mothering and parenting in general is such a complicated business. I have been forced to keep it simple because of my mental health. I haven't managed to do anything except the basics and when people have suggested things such as expressing a bottle, it seemed like too much a of a challenge to me. Now I am feeling more and more grateful for the simplicity I have been forced into.

When I was still very unwell and was trying to have a day alone I ended up at a friend's house for the day as I just needed some company. She has a new baby too and continued pottering about her home as I stayed on the couch with Ella. For that day my world was that couch. I fed Ella, changed her on the floor in front of me and then she slept on me. It was an amazing relief and joy to discover that Ella was totally content and that all she needed was right there on the couch. I found it so peaceful and relaxing because no longer was I thinking about putting her to bed, doing housework, or anything else. IT was the best therapy I had while I was struggling with deep depression. It showed me how simple mothering could be and that I was able to be a wonderful mother.

If I had any advice for new mothers is to spend a couple of days just being with their baby so that they can discover how little their baby needs to be happy and thrive.