Sometimes I have magical weeks where it seems like everything is going smoothly. Ella and I seem to have this whole thing sorted. I am doing lots and getting lots done. The house is clean, the laundry done and I have managed to cook each night. I feel I am awesome at this motherhood thing. But I also call these weeks manic weeks. Because it is not reality, it cannot last. I am doing too much and eventually the wheels fall off. Ella stops sleeping during the day, or I have a crisis of confidence or I get sick or any number of normal things happen and I realise again that perfection is not a target or a goal.
I am a very task orientated person and I love routine and achieving things each day. But being Ella's Mum is not about that. It is a relationship and you can't be in relationship with someone by setting up systems and structures. Instead you love and care for another person by being available, by listening, by risking and responding. And slowly I am letting myself truly relate and respond to Ella. Every day is different for me so why wouldn't it be for her?
I often fall into the trap of thinking predictability and structure will make life more manageable. But it doesn't. It often results in me doing too much and feeling like I have to perform each day at a certain level. Instead by going with my energy each day and where Ella is at I find that I am more joyful in each day. I am more in touch with my own voice and hers and feel so much more satisfaction. And I tend to avoid the huge crashes which come at the end of a 'manic week'.
So life muddles on. I has taken the best part of the week to recover from our camping trip and have the house in some semblance of tidiness. But in that time I have rested and enjoyed Ella. So I keep learning that when I feel so proud about how wonderfully I am managing everything maybe it is time to slow down and muddle a bit more.
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