It is not that easy

This  is my first mobile post  so excuse te typos. Deciding to do what  is best for  me is easier  said than done. Knowing does  not make me want to make good choices. I don't seem to want to live with the reality of what i say i want to do. Very Paul. I don't  often feel biblical.:)

So will power doesn't seem to be the answer.

Maybe acceptance of my reality is a better approach. I have been managing to read my bible more but exercise seems hard to squeeze in. Excuse the pun. I hope that after we move life will have more space. Or may i will just have to accept again that after trying repeatedly, i really can't do everything.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so whatcha going to do about it?

The last several weeks have been like I have suddenly started running, after standing still and looking around for quite a while. Buying a house has given me a sense of security and certainty that I think I have been longing for for a very long time. We haven't even moved yet but the fact that we have made decisions about what the next wee while will be like and where we will be based and that fact that finally we can feel settled is so amazing. It is as if the certainty of it has allowed me to stop wondering and has provided a firm foundation to spring board off.

I have made so many decisions and had such clarity about life and myself in the last few weeks. Following on from accepting myself and thinking about my future, I have applied to train to be a childbirth educator. It involves study by distance, part time for 2 years. It will mean I can teach antenatal classes and I am hoping it will mean I can still earn an income around family life in the future. For a long time I felt a lot of shame about being so interested in pregnancy, childbirth and women's health in general. It almost seemed obscene. I think a lot of that came from having to wait to try to start a family so not having a concrete excuse for my interest. And then I also started to think it was just because I was desperate to have children and since we had to wait and were dealing with the loss of our first baby, it seemed that it was almost a pathological symptom of obsession and grief. But it turns out it really isn't. I just am really into it all. It is fascinating and so important in a woman's life. The idea of having the privilege to help women learn about the process and support them to be empowered through it just seems such an awesome way to use my teaching skills and my enthusiasm for it. So no more shame.

I also had a confronting conversation with a Mum I know. I was saying how hard I find it to make time and space in my life for God, prayer and reading the Bible. In a very gentle way she encouraged me to face the fact that the way life is right now is not actually temporary. It is not as if by next year or even in the next decade I am going to suddenly find it easier to have some quiet time with God. And so instead of using motherhood as an excuse, I needed to accept this reality and make time. I really needed to hear that. So after some perculation I am trying to read my bible every day, however I can manage it. So this morning it was after the first thing housework and breakfast jobs. Ella and I sat on my bed. She drew on my old Word for Today and told me she was reading her Bible and I had a chance to read mine. It was enough for me to get some truth into me and to remind me of how essential it is. When I was going to sleep last night I really felt that I am almost a Christian in history rather than now. I have been running on Sunday school, a basic faith and my own thoughts. I often prayer and I have seen God work continually in my life, but now it is time to start living the way I want to. No more excuses. Just get on with it.

I have written a lot in the past about perfectionism and what a trap it is for me. So I am well aware that I could walk into legalism and trying to do everything 'right'. I have often avoided setting any goals or expectations for myself just to avoid that trap. But it is no way to live. It is just a holding pattern. Instead of telling myself that I "should" be doing this or that, I am just going to get on with it. No expectations of the how, just do it. I know what I need to know. I just have to do it. Not forever. Just today. And then I will do it tomorrow. Depression has taught me that decisions are not made for eternity and steps are not about the marathon. Just each day. So refreshing. I don't have to have the willpower or energy or enthusiasm for the rest of my life. I don't have to learn anything new, read a book about it, ask someone's advice. I just need to do it.

And I am applying this to other areas of my life. I am a comfort eater and do not have great mental or physical resilience. If I feel low or have a hard day I find it easy to justify treating myself to whatever I feel like eating. Recently this had taken on pretty epic proportions, and not surprisingly, so have I! I had great plans to exercise and eat well when I joined the gym a few months ago, but with illness, busyness and lack of motivation, all the gym membership has done is make me feel bad for not going. Over the years I have learnt lots about exercise and eating well. We have very little unhealthy food in the house. But since having Ella I have learnt the wonders of the drive through and 3pm and 8pm are still the times when I regularly 'treat' myself. At some point treats are no longer a treat when they are a regular event. When I weighed myself on Sunday and I could see a whole new decade of numbers appearing before me I had a rude awakening to reality. This accompanied by the fact that my pants are threatening not to fit, was the shock I needed. If I am challenging myself to get on with it in other areas of my life, then why not this?

So yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life. I am not going on a diet or starting some boot camp exercise programme. Instead I am just going to do what I already know. Eat lots of fresh veges and fruit, palm sized protein at each meal. Cut out the bad fats and processed flower and sugar. And get some exercise each day. Yesterday's exercise involved squats so that Ella could ride the seesaw and some vigorous walking. Hopefully today will entail another walk but with the clouds rolling in, it might be some exercises in the lounge when Ella goes to bed. I can keep telling the story that I can't fit exercise in but I know how that story ends. And instead I am going to start telling a new story.

The new story goes something like this:
I love who I am and I choose to treat myself well. I don't choose to do things which might feel good in the moment but make me feel bad in the long run. I want to live well and I deserve to enjoy my life and live it to the fullest. If I can be a good parent to Ella, then I can be good to myself. I am thirsty and greedy for life and all its potential and I want to be able to make the most of it. So I choose to do what I know I need, even if I don't feel like it. Because I am loved and precious and God delights in me. And there is so much to look forward to.

So that's the new story...

Call it like you see it

I would say I fall into the peacemaker personality type. I hate conflict and the idea of hurting people's feelings. I also hate the idea that people are thinking bad things about me. But I am slowly accepting the fact that in spite of sounding like that makes me a nice person to be around, it is not so nice to be that person. And probably isn't very good for growing relationships with integrity.

Don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean that I don't mind a good heated debate about an issue. It is more about the stuff that is closer to my heart and the more intimate stuff of friendship such as unmet expectations or things that bother me. Or when I disagree with a friend about something that is important to them.

Through therapy I have been examining why I am so afraid to be different than other people. For me difference feels bad, like the relationship is broken. But trying to be the same or think the same just means I mould myself around what fits with the other person. When I come away from the situation I am often really frustrated because I don't feel like the other person really knows me and I feel in conflict with myself. At its worst, I feel like I have lied and pretended to be something I am not, sometimes even feeling like I lied. Even though I my have avoided 'conflict' I have not been myself. I don't think the friendship would be that satisfying for the other person either.

Because eventually there has to be a coming out. When the person you really are will reveal itself and someone gets a shock. Whether it is me realising that I have backed myself into a corner by trying to be the perfect fit for a friend and then find I just can't be that anymore. Or when I don't meet someone's expectations because I just am not what they had begun to expect.

I am certainly not advocating saying what you think about everything and anything without consideration for the feelings of others. More that when a situation occurs why can't I have the courage to respectfully disagree or at least, choose not to just go along with it in my head, convincing myself that I think that too? And sometimes I think I should say something. I mean, if I have a certain conviction then why isn't my opinion as valid as someone else? I certainly am on the end of some pretty frank and sometimes brutal words about my life and even though it is not always appreciated, I often learn something through it. Even if it would be better to just let it slide off me.

I have started trying to accept myself more and that includes accepting that I don't necessarily feel the same as my friends about all sorts of things. That doesn't mean it has to cause friction. Hopefully we are all mature enough to deal with difference (that is actually directed at me). I am also beginning to believe that if it does cause conflict then maybe that friendship isn't one that can last. Life is complex and we all have different perspectives and experiences which lead us to hold our beliefs. If those beliefs are so different that the tension is painful then maybe it is better to just accept it and let the friendship go. Better that than to deny the conflict and one or both people play a game or put on an act to make the apparent friendship work. And don't we all want friendships when we can be our true selves and experience love and acceptance anyway?

The people I tend to struggle around seem to have particular personality types or ways of relating. It seems to catapult me backwards into really unhealthy ways of relating. I hope in time I can be self aware enough not to be affected so much. But I also think you can't be friends with everyone and you aren't supposed to. So hopefully I can be wiser in who I choose to relate to in future. Friendship is such a blessing and can be wonderful, but it can also be a stage to repeatedly play out your worst self over and over again.

Okay that was pretty honest. And you are not one of those people who spin me out. Well I can't guarantee it but if you get what I am talking about then it is pretty unlikely :)

Accepting Me

It seems like the last couple of years I have been gradually having to face up to who I really am. I feel like I have always struggled to feel that I am acceptable, lovable and okay just as me. Because of this I have continually aspired to be a different version of myself, a version that I thought would be more palatable and would fit in when I should and stand out when I wanted to. In the past I have really struggled with some aspects of my personality, my strengths and weaknesses and wished I was different. As a result I don't think I truly know who I am cause I have never let myself just be and got comfortable with that. I have always been simultaneously annoyed by and in awe of people who say things like "I hate..." or "I would never..." or "if that happened to me I would feel/do/think". That sense of self and knowledge of self is so foreign to me because I have been so quick to try to be what I think others wanted that I haven't even acknowledged my own feelings and thoughts.

During my teenage years I was just a ball of self loathing and self consciousness. My twenties was the discovery of a whole new world of confidence and wonderful friends, meeting and marrying my hubby and realising life could be more than I had ever hoped. Now in my thirties I feel like I am having to face who I truly am, whether I like it or not. The rubber is hitting the road and the stresses and choices of daily life as a mother don't allow me to entertain many fantasies about myself because I am daily faced with the reality of me, whether I like it or not. I might wish I was different but I don't have the energy or the time to be able to pretend for long, if at all. And I care a lot less about what other people might think of me, mainly cause my mind is too busy just coping with each day. Navel gazing just doesn't squeeze into my life that well anymore, compared to the almost constant internal monologing I used to do.

So here are some things I am learning about me and am in the process of accepting:

• I am not that organised. I like to plan and write lists but I have no memory any more and am not great with details. I do most things on the fly and off the cuff. This usually works for me but if something requires more then I am not your girl.
• I can be opinionated about issues and ideas but ask me what I want and how I feel and I will need to let you know, maybe in a few days cause I am still trying to work myself out.
• I used to think I coped well under pressure and was quite laid back. That is something I has wished I was. I just try not to be a problem to anyone else but in reality I find lots of things stressful and often am unaware of being anxious and tense until I experience pretty severe symptoms.
• I used to think I could cope with being really busy. I can't. I need lots of sleep and good food. I like to have things to do but I can't deal with too many things on my plate and I am not able to do all the things I would like to do. I want to be the solution to all the problems around me but a lot of the time dealing with my own problems feels like a lot. I probably give people the impression that I am very together. I am not. Its a lie and is more that I am a bit disconnected from myself and my own feelings and needs. I am working on that.
• I always pictured myself as a stay at home Mum. That doesn't actually suit me. I continually struggle with balancing the expectations I have of what I should be able to do as a mother and the reality of working and all the other things I am interested in. I also love being away from Ella while I work. I love the adult conversation, being productive in a more measurable way and having a break from full time mothering. I feel conflicted about this but am trying to accept it. I am also trying to see how this does not mean I couldn't cope with another child, it just means I need to do it in a way that works for me, and our family. The extremes of Martha Stewart SAHM or career driven mother who farms out her children are not helpful or real. I need to develop my own working understanding of my identity as it evolves and incorporates all of the aspects of me.
• I can be very focussed on doing things "right" but should focus more on having fun and enjoying life.
• I am pretty pragmatic. I like to get things done. I am task orientated rather than process.
• I hate injustice and get really upset when I see people behaving unethically or mistreating those who are vulnerable.
• I am suspicious of those in authority and can spot a dodgy or manipulative person a mile off.
• I enjoy meetings cause I like talking about things. But there should always be food.
• I really enjoy public speaking.
• I love writing. I am not a crafty person but I love to cook. 
• As long as the house is tidy I don't mind a bit of dirt. 
• I love reading non-fiction and if I read fiction it has to be pretty true to life. I am not that into poetry or art. But love film and music. 
• I can't be bothered trying to be cool but I like to look nice. Shopping is awesome.
• I am impulsive and hate decisions being unmade. I would rather make a choice and it be wrong than wait till the right decision becomes apparent.
• I am heaps more relaxed about my daughter's development and behaviour than I thought I would be. I also find her confidence and quirkiness quite confronting at times. But it inspires me to keep on learning to accept who I am because she is so herself!

loose ends and lost in transit

You have probably caught up with the news that we have bought a house! Well we are in the process and hope to go unconditional in the next week. It has been such a relief and definitely not as stressful as the other house we put an offer on but didn't get. This house ticks all our boxes and we are so excited about it.

But we have a couple of months before we move in and in the mean time we are returning to our life, which has been left to look after itself a bit with all the house hunting that has been going on. We don't need to pack immediately but there are quite a few things I have been putting off because things have been so busy and uncertain. So I want to sort out some loose ends over the next wee while. There are dentist and optometrist appointments to have, decluttering and getting rid of things and reorganising so we don't move stuff we don't want. But there are also some quite hefty things that I have been hoping would sort themselves out, but they haven't.

Ella has just turned 2, which she proudly tells anyone who will listen. Each birthday is such a celebration of her growth and development but I also see it as a celebration of me and the effort I put into being her Mum. And 2 was the vague goal I had for how long I would like to breastfeed. I have struggled with it on and off over the last 6 months. Christmas and the depression relapse led to moving her into her own bed and trying to get her to stay in her own room for most of the night. That has had limited success. She goes to bed in her own room most nights but by midnight is usually back in with us. At times this has suited me but I can't sleep when she is feeding anymore and when she is sick or just out of sorts she can wake multiple times in the night. She has never woken less than twice a night in her whole life and twice feels like a great night's sleep. During the day she is keen to have a "little mama" any time I am sitting or whenever she is feeling a bit out of sorts. This gets pretty jading. At times it is lovely to be able to sit still and cuddle but at other times I just want to actually have cuddles rather than feel like a drive thru with a customer who is never satisfied. As we have rounded the two year corner I have found myself starting to really resent it and to feel a little desperate as my efforts to put her off with distraction, food and just saying no don't seem to be working.

I also keep wanting to say to people that this is a destination we have found ourselves at. It is not a statement about what anyone else should do and though I am pleased she has breastfed this long in some ways, in other ways it means she really understands that mamas are really quite nice and not something she wants to give up. And it is really tough saying no to your child in the middle of the night when they beg you for "just a little mama", through tears.

So I have been feeling a bit lost in transit, thinking about how we ended up here and how to meet my own needs so I can be a good mother to Ella but also to take responsibility for the choices we have made in parenting Ella which means "mamas" are still an important part of her life. It feels like a dance where every so often I found myself too close to the edge or teetering on the brink of a boundary where I have to choose again whether to compromise or whether I need to keep that boundary firm and steer Ella back to where it feels right again. And it just keeps changing as her needs change and our relationship shifts. She is a little person now who loves to say "No!" and do things herself but still wants reassurance and security.

I can say with great certainty that I do not want to breastfeed a 3 year old but it is definitely not as simple as blowing out the candles on a birthday cake. Weaning is a process and as long it is heading in the right direction for me I think I can be patient with Ella's timing, which may not be totally mine.

I already chose

If you have been reading along recently you would have seen my tooing and froing about what I should be doing with my life right now. I have felt like my head is full of possibilities and possible versions of me and I have been confused about what I want and what I can actually manage. Lots of words like should and could have been flying around and deep down I have wanted to find some peace, some stillness and rest. I have wanted my mind to quiet and to no longer be wrestling with each day so much and each idea or interest.

In my life revelation seems to come upon me in glimpses of clarity, often in the car or in a random moment of unplanned reflection. I think in the car is the only time I am cornered and am still enough to really voice in my head and to God where I am at. When I was driving home from my weekly therapy appointment, having talked about how stretched in all directions I felt, I truly felt God speak to me.

I know, I know hold on a minute what am I saying there? Well I heard in my head or in my thoughts the clear sentence - "I have already chosen". I am not one to say God speaks to me. I don't really even hope for it so it is a big call to claim it has happened so don't just drop it into the "happy clappy Christian" box. At least I haven't.

Anyway the sentence was like a clear line of truth making a path through all my angst because it is so true. When I chose to become a Christian I made a choice that I would put following Jesus first. I fail over and over again, till it almost runs into itself, but I still make that choice. Then I chose to marry my husband so my commitment to him is a priority. Then we chose to have a child together so she is what I have already chosen as a priority in my life. And I have chosen to work. If we wanted to I could stop. It would be tight and we probably wouldn't be buying a house but that is a possible choice. So work is a choice and a priority. Once you add in the everyday things which have to happen in order to have a home that works for our family as well as time for family and friends, and they things I do to keep healthy, there really isn't much space for anything else. At the moment I help out with the Mum's group Space at church which aims to provide some space for God for Mums each week.

Each of these things have my heart. I mean that I feel a sense of purpose about them, even if sometimes they are hard. So even though I may have some great ideas of things I would like to do at some point, at the moment I am full up and if I take anything else on something I have already chosen to do will suffer. None of those things are things I want to give up at the moment and most are forever kind of commitments. Being a Mum to a preschooler is a pretty intense season too.

Since I had that moment of clarity I have found it so much easier to just let the ideas and possibilities go and to accept that in this season of my life I am doing all I can do at the moment and my focus should be on living well within those choices rather than squeezing in more or being continually dissatisfied with how things are.

This week I have had one of those nasty winter bugs and being really ill and dependent on others for help and support reminds me again that my faith is not in my own strength and my ability to get things done. Instead it is in the knowledge that I am not alone and that I am loved unconditionally just the way I am and the way life finds me at this moment.

A search for a home

There are many reasons for my lack of posts recently but the main one is that we have started looking for a house to buy. Suddenly, after years of being mildly bemused by our friends who were buying their own places we wanted our own patch of dirt to call home. It helps that it wasn't so much of a fantasy thanks to the saving we have been doing. And there we were, bright eyed and bushy tailed, naively extolling the joys of open homes and the excitement of finding our special place.

That was a few months ago and the thrill of the chase and hunt has definitely worn off. I know, I know everyone told me how stressful and agonising the whole process is but despite the advice we still believed it would be great. I mean, for years I have trawled real estate websites finding properties that would be wonderful for us. And just as we start looking it seems like there is nothing that would suit us. Well it seems that way. It is a bit tricky when you are looking for a place with room for the chickens, beehives and the dream vege garden!

The most intense part for us is how the whole process slams us up against our values and priorities and how easy it is to get focussed on dollars and nothing else. When life seems divided into price brackets and each photo seems to reveal an idyllic, wide angle, open plan lifestyle with character features, you can be forgiven for thinking that with a bit more cash the dream life and family could be yours.

It has really tested what we would be prepared to sacrifice. Would we sacrifice the priorities of family time, peace and people for the chance to live in that 'perfect' house? Or can we live and be content in a home which might not be picture perfect and needs some serious TLC? And it also highlights that hubby and I are different people and have very different personalities. I am all about completing the task and I never waited long enough for God to grant me patience. Hubby is phlegmatic to his core. He makes decisions with his gut but slowly and slow doesn't always work for me, or for house buying. But he is true to his values because he is prepared to wait for the dream. Where as I have quickly decided that the dream is a fantasy and we should settle for something less, actually the house we just saw. And he has to deal with me raving all the apparent positives about the place, despite the fact that he does not want to live there. And the raving goes on for quite a while, only ceasing for meal breaks. Often for days. Yes I am am sometimes that awful to live with. But to be fair he cannot give me many reasons not to buy it. It is just not right and not what we have said we want. Slowly I realise he might be right and that I will not spontaneously combust with frustration by not buying a house NOW. He is a patient man.

Today I was in such a state about it all that I asked a friend to pray for me. She said she felt God was saying that two things would be clarified by the end of the day. I thought "Ooh wouldn't that be nice" and thought it would mean what we were going to have for dinner and that I need to be patient...
Instead as I was spending some time feeding Ella and I realised that the pressure to buy a house is actually a choice. And we have a great place to live now. So I can wait. And I do want to wait for the dream. And in the mean time we can carry on with life. We don't have to suspend life while house hunting. So I feel less frustrated and feel more empowered that I can choose how to approach this. I am not a victim of circumstance. I am choosing to wait for the right place when it is right for us both. That was followed by a call from hubby who had made a major decision about work and had some major dilemmas sorted. So tonight we are celebrating clarity, times two! And who said prayer doesn't work! And to add to the joy we have another house on the radar to get all excited about. It is enough to complete exhaust a girl. So I off I go to bed to rest up for whatever is ahead.