Monday, 4 July 2011

I already chose

If you have been reading along recently you would have seen my tooing and froing about what I should be doing with my life right now. I have felt like my head is full of possibilities and possible versions of me and I have been confused about what I want and what I can actually manage. Lots of words like should and could have been flying around and deep down I have wanted to find some peace, some stillness and rest. I have wanted my mind to quiet and to no longer be wrestling with each day so much and each idea or interest.

In my life revelation seems to come upon me in glimpses of clarity, often in the car or in a random moment of unplanned reflection. I think in the car is the only time I am cornered and am still enough to really voice in my head and to God where I am at. When I was driving home from my weekly therapy appointment, having talked about how stretched in all directions I felt, I truly felt God speak to me.

I know, I know hold on a minute what am I saying there? Well I heard in my head or in my thoughts the clear sentence - "I have already chosen". I am not one to say God speaks to me. I don't really even hope for it so it is a big call to claim it has happened so don't just drop it into the "happy clappy Christian" box. At least I haven't.

Anyway the sentence was like a clear line of truth making a path through all my angst because it is so true. When I chose to become a Christian I made a choice that I would put following Jesus first. I fail over and over again, till it almost runs into itself, but I still make that choice. Then I chose to marry my husband so my commitment to him is a priority. Then we chose to have a child together so she is what I have already chosen as a priority in my life. And I have chosen to work. If we wanted to I could stop. It would be tight and we probably wouldn't be buying a house but that is a possible choice. So work is a choice and a priority. Once you add in the everyday things which have to happen in order to have a home that works for our family as well as time for family and friends, and they things I do to keep healthy, there really isn't much space for anything else. At the moment I help out with the Mum's group Space at church which aims to provide some space for God for Mums each week.

Each of these things have my heart. I mean that I feel a sense of purpose about them, even if sometimes they are hard. So even though I may have some great ideas of things I would like to do at some point, at the moment I am full up and if I take anything else on something I have already chosen to do will suffer. None of those things are things I want to give up at the moment and most are forever kind of commitments. Being a Mum to a preschooler is a pretty intense season too.

Since I had that moment of clarity I have found it so much easier to just let the ideas and possibilities go and to accept that in this season of my life I am doing all I can do at the moment and my focus should be on living well within those choices rather than squeezing in more or being continually dissatisfied with how things are.

This week I have had one of those nasty winter bugs and being really ill and dependent on others for help and support reminds me again that my faith is not in my own strength and my ability to get things done. Instead it is in the knowledge that I am not alone and that I am loved unconditionally just the way I am and the way life finds me at this moment.

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