Finding a new faith for a new season

Ever since Ella was born I have been trying to work out how to do faith and my walk with God as a Mum. I haven't blogged about spirituality for a long time. I guess I have felt self-conscious about it and also like it was all just too hard. I have often found faith tough before but since becoming a Mum it has felt almost impossible. I guess in my mind I have a picture of what a healthy relationship with God looks like - quiet time reading the Bible regularly, praying, attending church, talking about faith, serving others. But I seem to have no time to read my Bible. Okay, I also don't find time cause I would rather read other things. How's that for honesty?

I do pray, quite a lot, but not in a focussed way. Recent struggles have led me to have a lot more faith in prayer though so I am relieved that I actually want to pray again and that I truly believe God acts, maybe not in the ways I want, but He is involved. I see that in his faithfulness towards me through everything I have been through and the way He works in the lives of those around me. I still have no answers about why people suffer despite prayer, but I do know this world is not perfect and God is still active in it. I guess I am waiting to ask about that in person.

Church has been difficult. I often go by myself cause hubby is studying. It is hard to feel like I want to go when I end up out in the creche looking after Ella and not actually hearing the sermon. I could be doing that home! I am doing something about that though. I have found a church with a wonderful kids programme and I have been really rejuvenated by the teaching the meeting some other Mums and sharing our journey. I think some people probably think I am a terrible church hopper, but to be honest it is really just a survival decision. If my faith was going to survive I needed to get some spiritual input. And I think it gets pretty pragmatic when it comes to faith and having a family.

One thing which has been so amazing since becoming a Mum is how many inspiring and wonderful women I have met from all walks of life. They have been my biggest spiritual and practical support other than my family and very close friends. It is always miraculous to me how a conversation can resonate so deeply and give me new hope and a new perspective on something I am struggling with or thinking about.

So I guess at the moment I feel like God is meeting me in the every day moments and meetings of my life rather than in orchestrated events of spiritual disciplines. I do need to find time for His word. But I also know that it will happen and it is not something I am going to wrestle with so hard I get blisters. Instead I am focussing more on the joy I have found in my life and being grateful to God that after so many years of seeing the world in grey, the colour is back. Now that is a God to believe in, who can do that in my life!