Rewriting history and creating regret

Over the last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about Ella's birth. I think it is part of the natural process of healing and coming to terms with all I have been through in the last year. I find myself remembering a lot more about the details of the birth and questioning whether I made the right decisions. For me, having a C section made the beginning of being a Mum very tough and certainly didn't help me with developing postnatal depression. So I have been thinking about whether it could have been avoided. Did I go to the hospital too soon? Should I have fought more to avoid all the interventions?
In hindsight Ella was perfectly fine and did not seem to be in any distress once she was born, however, during the labour there were some indications that she was stressed. And at the time that was all we had to go by in making our decisions.

I have also been thinking about the last few weeks of the pregnancy and how the information I had caused me a lot of worry and fear. To be honest, I was scared during the whole pregnancy. I never really believed that we would hold our precious girl and get to take her home. I actually would lie awake at night preparing myself for losing her and having to have a funeral. I know that may seem strange but that is the only end to pregnancy which I had experienced and it seemed almost impossible to experience anything else, despite the ever present kicks and movements and healthy growth which promised she was fine. When I added higher blood pressure and posterior position to that mix of fear and grief it isn't really suprising that all I wanted was a healthy baby and I wanted to avoid any risk.

But now, on the other side it is easy for me to rewrite history and blame myself for the outcome of the labour. I do wish things had gone differently but I have to remember that Ella was fine and at the time that was the most important thing. I didn't know how hard my time in hospital and afterwards was going to be and you can only make decisions with the knowledge you have at the time.

What I have really learned or am learning, is that you cannot ignore your true emotions, not matter how uncomfortable and inconvenient they are. If I had acknowledged my fears to myself and others maybe I would have been in a better place during labour. Things may not have gone differently but there is nothing more awful than feeling disconnected from yourself at such a momentous time. I struggle to be truly honest about how I feel, especially when the feelings are negative but I need to be otherwise they do come out whether you like it or not and often in the worst of ways.

So no regrets about the birth, but hopefully some wisdom gained. And I want to thank all the mamas I know who inspire me to trust that my body, which God created and used to create and nourish Ella, is capable of doing what it is designed to do.