I thought I didn't take my health for granted but this week has reminded me that it is so easy to do. I have had mysterious symtems with possibly serious ramifications. The most awful possiblities have been crossed off the list but I still don't know hwat is wrong. It never happens like this in E.R. The doctors always solve the mysteries. So I am feeling frustrated and a little worried. I guess there is nothing you can do in a situation like this except sit tight and hope that it will all become clear.

I think modern medicine lulls us into the false belief that we understand the human body. But there is still so much we don't know. It reminds me that God is an amazing Creator and we should contiue to be in awe of his handy work. So this weekend I am aiming to be in oawe of my body and not annoyed with its misbehaviour. Hopefully by next week all will be revealed and it will be another adventure in the past, not the present.

Long time, no write. The other night I wished that I could have the faith I had when I was a teenager. It was a simple, God is in control, trust God in all parts of my life faith. I feel like all I do now is question and doubt. I want that real and dynamic relationship with a person called Jesus but it feels like it is always out of reach, pushed aside by over analysing and political or philosophical views.

But I refuse to turn my brain off or my convictions because they are part of the me that God created. So where do I go and what do I do to have an authentic faith but one which is full of passion where I think of Jesus and God's involvement in my life every day?

I always come back to the fact that it is me that matters in this whole dilemma. It is not external things like Church or books or a new revelation from some wise person. I think it is having the maturity and commitment to make it happen, to commune with Jesus every day and let him show me how to truly be me with a genuine faith, not just a culture or a philosophy.

I have been thinking for a while about bridge builders. It seems that often Christians are divided by so many different preferences and view points that it is difficult to feel like the unified body of Christ. I have been to many different types of churches in my time; pentecostal, conservative baptist, anglican, presbyterian, emerging churches. I have enjoyed a great deal about all of these styles of doing and being church. Some have been difficult to adapt to and I have settled in a church which suits my intellectual and social persuasions as much as spiritual. But I am often struck by what a blessing these experiences have been. When I am in a multi-denominational setting I don't feel out of place or that how things are run is foriegn to me.

I wonder whether in the next while, with so many people choosing churches based on other reasons than denomination, whether people like me who have experienced lots of parts of the body of Christ will need to be bridge builders between those with different perspectives.

It is sad when we write one another off as 'wrong' because we personally don't like how they do things. I can think of many criticisms of the church I attend. But I don't think being right is the most important thing, as often the need to be right creates division and conflict between Christians. So I hope I can help to remind people of the other perspectives out there so we are not so quick to judge those who are from the same family.

Wow, I am changing jobs! what a huge thing. My interview went really well and they offered me the job afterwards. Now there is going to be all the changes and the grief of leaving my present school. I love the place and the students but I needed a challenge.

So that's it. I woke up i the night so many times. Each time it was a realisation about what this decision was going to mean. There will be tears shed and stress to be ahd but I am excited and I know this is right for me.

It is so easy to follow the paths other people assign for you. For me this decision is about making my own life and following my deeper desires rather than surface, career aspirations. It will be good for my career but will also feed my whole self.

I have a job interview this afternoon. It is wierd to think about goign and 'selling' myself to someone I hardly know. I don't know whether I want this job but I think I will have more of an idea after the interview. I am a very 'gut' person and make decsions based on instinct. THe right decision is not clear to me yet but hopefully it will be soon.