Me and my big mouth! Gosh I thought I was growing out of it. The other night I said something very unwise in front of a group of people. I meant it very innocently but it showed someone important to me in a bad light. I didn't mean it that way but I was a littlle naive on how it could have been interpreted. I hate that.

I hate that as a very talkative person the probability of me saying something stupid increases exponentially the more I say. And that worst thing about my mouth is that after you've said it you can't take it back and then the humiliation, guilt and regret sticks to you like suffocating glad wrap and I tend to go on a self-flagellation binge where I vow to always be silent when in groups and to listen more etc.

But as my husband pointed out, I am made this way and it wasn't a terrible, cosmic practical joke. So a cone of silence really isn't the answer. Maybe I need to meditate (again) on a bit of James and the power of the tongue but I think then the best thing is to get over it and get on with life. I will let you know how that goes!

Well I am back in the real world now. My holiday is just about at an end and I have to say it has been a great one. The weather before christmas, as you well know, was less than perfect and cabin fever had set in by New Years. However there was hope. WE enjoyed 4 lovely days sailing with my parents adn then had 7 days of perfect weather, camping at Mimiwhangata, north of Whangarei. The campsite is reached by walking over a hill and so it acts as a filtering mechanism so that that the people who camp there really want to be there. There are no vehicles, composting loos and a couple of taps. But as far as I am concerned it's deluxe camping. The views are beautiful. My day went: get up (late or when the tent got too hot), make breakfast, stare at the view, read book, lunch, snooze, swim, shower under a pohutukawa, dinner, stare at the sunset, play cards and then a peaceful night's sleep. BLISS!

Now back to reality and it is amazing the perspective having a holiday can give. I have a lot more peace about teaching this year and have renewed motivation to make the most of life. SOmetimes it's best just to get on with living instead of waiting for something to change or something new to come along. Enough of habitual discontentment! My life is fab and I want to live like it!

This Christmas season the tsunami has really given me another realilty shock. Life is so fragile and there but by the the grace of God go I. Again I ask why people who were already struggling to survive have had to face such an enormous disaster? I don't want to take my wealth and security for granted and I want to live more conciously with my heart and actions, keeping those less fortunate than myself in mind in the things I do. But it is so encouraging to see the generousity of people and the courageous volunteers who have given up their time and money to help. They inspire me. And those people devastated by the disaster who are rebuilding and determined to keep surviving when I am often rocked by very minor set backs in my life.

Yesterday Nick and I spent the day visiting a number of couples we know. They are all very different and are all choosing to live their lives in different ways. Some are staring their own businesses, some are starting families, others are enjoying just being a two some. By the end of the day I had really been struck by the freedom we have in life to go with our gut, to use our gifts and to create our own lives for ourselves. I think sometimes I worry too much about what I am supposed to be doing as if there is one right way and recipe for life. I think what really matters is that you live your life in a way where you can sleep well at night, you stay connected to family and friends and you are honest with yourself. I am hoping that as I have some time to reflect over the next few weeks that I will feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin and the gut instincts I have about how to live life. I hope that I will develop greater courage in my convictions and be ready to stick with them into the New Year.

As next year looms before me I have to say that going back to teaching does not fill me with glee. I am hoping that after a relaxing holiday I will feel more enthusiastic. But I do feel that in the next couple of years I really need a change. I haven't ever really left school, I went straight from college to Uni and then straight into teaching. So maybe I need something to give me some perspective and to try something more unfamiliar and less comfortable.

This is the last day of school for the year. Last week I was away on Year 10 camp. I chose to go because I wanted a week away from school dramas and end of year madness. Things always wind up before they wind down. The camp consisted of lots of tramping adn high ropes activities. I am definitely not that courageous when it comes to heights. But the tramping was so good. I had been a bit nervous about whether I would be able to keep up with the students. I needn't have worried. Many of them puffed their way up the hills at my kind of pace and some I believe thought they were having near death experiences! I enjoyed tramping in the soft rain, enjoying the bush and thinking about life. It was so lovely to have some space to think.

So today ends my first half year at my new job. I have to say I am really enjoying it. I have had som many new challenges as well as making some wonderful friends. However I feel burnt out. Too much getting up early, holding it together all day and then staying up late just because I don't want the process to begin again. I think I am just palin tired, like most people at this time of the year. I desperatley want the energy and motivation to get more organised for next year. And maybe I will have that when I am choosing to spend my time on school rather than being forced to. However I must count my blessings for thsi wonderful job of teahing. Not many people get to work in such a dynamic and interesting job with wonderful people, both staff adn students, and have such great holidays! And on top of that, in some small way I could possibly change the world!

So here's to holidaying well, reflecting on the year and getting back to the things that really matter. May I not just survive, but live again!

I am not a details person. I like the big picture, the overall view and I get bored very easiliy. I am also quite a pragmatist. If I know I don't have enough time to do something the way I intended at the beginning I get over it pretty quickly. Hence it would seem strange to put me incharge of the school magazine!

However I am beginning to embrace this lack of attention to detail. It makes me very flexible and if things don't go as planned I don't stress too much. But what I am relaising is that people's expectations stress me out. It might be fine for me not to care about the details too much but if someone else does and I am responsible for the thing they care about I don't want to disappoint them and most of all I don't want them to have a low opinion of me.

So I guess I am an attention to peoples opinions person adn since, unlike the details of inanimate tasks, I have know control over what people think of me, this can be highly stressful. So I may sing the praises of my big picture attitude but I am still at the mercy of other people. I guess that's the way it goes. We can't protect ourselves from ourselves and the things we like about ourselves always have a potentially darker side.

I played hockey last night. I have joined a summer hockey team and I am loving it. I played at school and it is so much fun to get out there and run around. Unfortunately I had a bit of a collision with another player last night. No permanent damage but a rather impressive bruise on my leg and a bit of a headache.

I was moaning about it this morning and my husband said that you have to expect to get hurt when you play sport. I explained to him that I was fully aware of that and was not complaining about getting hurt but that what was the point if you couldn't have a little (or a big) whinge? There is something wonderful about minor injuries. It shows me I am getting out there and doing things, body on the line and all that stuff. It could be sign that I am getting clumsy but I like the first idea better. I might not be the toughest girl on the block but it is nice to feel like that sometimes.

I am very proud of myself today. Not only did I go for a walk this morning, I have a letter published in the Herald today. Usually I just get really annoyed about things but do nothing. This time I did something almost before I thought about it.

I am a Media teacher and have been really suprised by Filpside, a teen news programme being cancelled. I use the programme in my class and the students were really upset to hear it had been cancelled. I guess it was one of those situations when they realised that just being commercially successful is not enough. Someone with a big desk and not much vision decided it was a threat and so got rid of it. It is another example of teenagers being fobbed off and losing a voice.

But I did something. It probably will not make any difference but at least they know that people are annoyed and can't pretend that no-one cares. I hope I will be able to be more of an activist in the future. I've always thought Sue Bradford was pretty inspiring!