What a weekend. The transformation of me continues. I went to the Ecoshow in Auckland at the weekend. There were some very innovative adn visionary people there who were very encouraging. Grat composting methods, rammed earth homes, eco friendly paint, permaculture gardening, the list goes on. THe whole time I was frustrated that I can't do more of this now. tHere was a distinct lack of info for thise of us in urban areas without much land. However I did feel very motivated to make a few more changes on the road to greeny land.

One thing I felt afterwards was that I desperately wanted to get dreds and show the world the conversion that was happening within me. That lasted about 2 minutes before I thought through the implications of dreded hair. I think humans tend to do extreme quite well because we want to know where we stand, whose in and whose out and what is wrong and what is right but unfortunately very little in life is that simple. So I will continue to struggle through this stuff without dreds but hoping to make a gentle difference and encourage seemingly normal people to be a bit more radical in the way they live.

For every green issue I think I have sorted in my head another complication arises so I have to trust that my muddling along in a rather meandering fashion is going to make some sort of difference and hopefuly God and creation's grace will cover the rest.

I have been snowed under at work and it does not seem to be getting better yet but I want to keep blogging. There is always something to keep me from it!

About 2 weeks ago I went to a conference on environmentalism and Christianity. Never the twain shall meet you may say. I have grown up in family where the environment and God were inextricably linked. The creation shouts about God's glory adn love for us as well as revealing hsi character, especially his sense of humour. Have you ever thought about the pelican or the sloth? We could learn a lot from the sloth in the world we live in now.

Anyway the conference brought together a very wide variety of people, from people with degrees longer than their arms to plebs like me who just have a gut feeling that christians should be doing more to care for the environment. Some parts of the conference were very challenging, such as the lessons we can learn from the ecological colapse of Easter Island. How can we just be going about our lives like normal when the reality is that the clock is ticking and many scientists are saying it is too late to save ourselves from our own over-consumtion?

The wonderful thing about the conference is that as Christians we have hope. Not a hope which depends on God transporting us to another world cause we've wrecked this one but a marvellous creator who through his grace has allwoed humans to have some part in the future of creation. There were lots of gifted and passionate people who want to see more action from Christians adn I believe it will happen.

Personally I am feeling all the more challenged ot live differently. to live a radical life which may seem incredibly uncool ot the students I teach. One girl said to me that she felt sorry for my children because she thought I would dress them in home made tie dyed T-shirts adn hemp collotes. Passibly, but isn't that the point? We should be living for the good of all not just the personal sel esteem issues of one. So I aim to challenge my self to embarass myself for the envoronment or at least to try to put the big picture above my own insecurities about the clothes I wear, the food I eat, the house I live in and the other things I own.

Another challenge I felt was the reality that developing coutnries cannot develop. tHere is not enough to go round. For 2 thirds world countries to improve their food supplies, education, health adn overall standard of living the west will have to give up some of its wealth and the process of development may cause the destruction of ecosystems on which people depend. So what should we do? I vite for revolution. I can because I am an irrational dn idealistic woman. But somethings got to give. If we carry on like this it will be like watching a train wreck in slow motion. And when oil stocks start to run out and there is no food at Foodtown I know I would rather be a subsistence farmer than living in an apartment in Auckland central. THe clock is ticking and it just won't stop. as christians we are always aware of this as we wait for Jesus' return but what are our responsibilities now?

I am very irregular in my blogging at the moment. I am trying to be good at work and do work stuff first. And there is always work to do so I never quite get to blog. And also I feel under pressure to have some profound thoughts, which seem not to be coming.

Over the weekend I went to a BBQ and met up with a whole lot of people who I got to know at Uni. It is so good catching up with people. What used to be a daily occurance has become more of a 6 monthly accident when we all get together to celebrate someone's birthday or engagement. I love seeing where everyone is at and what they are doing.

It makes me think about what I thought life would be like after Uni and what it is actually like. I guess I wan't too far off but I thought I would be more radical and that life would move a lot faster. But I'm not and it doesn't.

I think I am gently radical now with an eye to reality and I am still trying to figure out how to live out radical, Jesus centered Christianity in a burbsy kind of environment. I think also I am not sure I want to sacrifice some things anymore and I am probably a little more realistic about who I am as a person and what I do and do not cope with. However I don't want to sell out.

I get the feeling that in the near future (which has become a couple of years instead of a couple of weeks, since I left Uni) I will have to choose between the comfortable and the familiar and where my heart and passion really lies. I think now is the preparation time. I don't want to wait to start living right until that time but I think I have opportunities right now to test the waters and think about where I want to go. So yeah, life is exciting and full of possibility but there are still bills to pay and so somehow God will show me how to live. I hope I can listen.

Me and my big mouth! Gosh I thought I was growing out of it. The other night I said something very unwise in front of a group of people. I meant it very innocently but it showed someone important to me in a bad light. I didn't mean it that way but I was a littlle naive on how it could have been interpreted. I hate that.

I hate that as a very talkative person the probability of me saying something stupid increases exponentially the more I say. And that worst thing about my mouth is that after you've said it you can't take it back and then the humiliation, guilt and regret sticks to you like suffocating glad wrap and I tend to go on a self-flagellation binge where I vow to always be silent when in groups and to listen more etc.

But as my husband pointed out, I am made this way and it wasn't a terrible, cosmic practical joke. So a cone of silence really isn't the answer. Maybe I need to meditate (again) on a bit of James and the power of the tongue but I think then the best thing is to get over it and get on with life. I will let you know how that goes!

Well I am back in the real world now. My holiday is just about at an end and I have to say it has been a great one. The weather before christmas, as you well know, was less than perfect and cabin fever had set in by New Years. However there was hope. WE enjoyed 4 lovely days sailing with my parents adn then had 7 days of perfect weather, camping at Mimiwhangata, north of Whangarei. The campsite is reached by walking over a hill and so it acts as a filtering mechanism so that that the people who camp there really want to be there. There are no vehicles, composting loos and a couple of taps. But as far as I am concerned it's deluxe camping. The views are beautiful. My day went: get up (late or when the tent got too hot), make breakfast, stare at the view, read book, lunch, snooze, swim, shower under a pohutukawa, dinner, stare at the sunset, play cards and then a peaceful night's sleep. BLISS!

Now back to reality and it is amazing the perspective having a holiday can give. I have a lot more peace about teaching this year and have renewed motivation to make the most of life. SOmetimes it's best just to get on with living instead of waiting for something to change or something new to come along. Enough of habitual discontentment! My life is fab and I want to live like it!

This Christmas season the tsunami has really given me another realilty shock. Life is so fragile and there but by the the grace of God go I. Again I ask why people who were already struggling to survive have had to face such an enormous disaster? I don't want to take my wealth and security for granted and I want to live more conciously with my heart and actions, keeping those less fortunate than myself in mind in the things I do. But it is so encouraging to see the generousity of people and the courageous volunteers who have given up their time and money to help. They inspire me. And those people devastated by the disaster who are rebuilding and determined to keep surviving when I am often rocked by very minor set backs in my life.

Yesterday Nick and I spent the day visiting a number of couples we know. They are all very different and are all choosing to live their lives in different ways. Some are staring their own businesses, some are starting families, others are enjoying just being a two some. By the end of the day I had really been struck by the freedom we have in life to go with our gut, to use our gifts and to create our own lives for ourselves. I think sometimes I worry too much about what I am supposed to be doing as if there is one right way and recipe for life. I think what really matters is that you live your life in a way where you can sleep well at night, you stay connected to family and friends and you are honest with yourself. I am hoping that as I have some time to reflect over the next few weeks that I will feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin and the gut instincts I have about how to live life. I hope that I will develop greater courage in my convictions and be ready to stick with them into the New Year.

As next year looms before me I have to say that going back to teaching does not fill me with glee. I am hoping that after a relaxing holiday I will feel more enthusiastic. But I do feel that in the next couple of years I really need a change. I haven't ever really left school, I went straight from college to Uni and then straight into teaching. So maybe I need something to give me some perspective and to try something more unfamiliar and less comfortable.

This is the last day of school for the year. Last week I was away on Year 10 camp. I chose to go because I wanted a week away from school dramas and end of year madness. Things always wind up before they wind down. The camp consisted of lots of tramping adn high ropes activities. I am definitely not that courageous when it comes to heights. But the tramping was so good. I had been a bit nervous about whether I would be able to keep up with the students. I needn't have worried. Many of them puffed their way up the hills at my kind of pace and some I believe thought they were having near death experiences! I enjoyed tramping in the soft rain, enjoying the bush and thinking about life. It was so lovely to have some space to think.

So today ends my first half year at my new job. I have to say I am really enjoying it. I have had som many new challenges as well as making some wonderful friends. However I feel burnt out. Too much getting up early, holding it together all day and then staying up late just because I don't want the process to begin again. I think I am just palin tired, like most people at this time of the year. I desperatley want the energy and motivation to get more organised for next year. And maybe I will have that when I am choosing to spend my time on school rather than being forced to. However I must count my blessings for thsi wonderful job of teahing. Not many people get to work in such a dynamic and interesting job with wonderful people, both staff adn students, and have such great holidays! And on top of that, in some small way I could possibly change the world!

So here's to holidaying well, reflecting on the year and getting back to the things that really matter. May I not just survive, but live again!