This year really is proving to be hard work. No big reasons for that. Except my brain still threatens to slide back into depression. My struggles with the tension between what I want to be able to be and do and reality steal my peace and joy. I dream of some greater peace. I see glimpses of it and I keep being reminded that I am enough now. However, 35 years of feeling less than is hard to shake.
One of the questions I ask myself in an attempt to stop my negative thinking is "Is what I am telling myself, the facts, or the feelings?"
Often my feelings take me off what is really happening into a reality I am creating out of the emotions thay arise.
Yesterday os a good example. I was just exhausted. As it was Sunday, hubby was home. So after lunch I said I just couldn't keep going without a nap. As I lay in bed starting to doze off, the feelings were failure and letting everyone down. I felt that me not being up and involved meant I was a bad mother.
Was any of that true? No. But my unrealistic expectations of myself create those feelings when I have to admit I am actually human and need rest.
The facts helped to check if the feelings really reflected reality. And those facts were that I was really tired and needed a nap. Everyone needs a rest and asking for one is wise.
And checking the facts helped. I enjoyed my nap and woke up feeling much better.
I hope that in time I can have more realistic expectations and that the feelings and thoughts I have would become more gentle and self compassionate. But in the throws of being overwhelmed by self destructive self talk, remembering to check my facts definitely helps.