Monday, 30 April 2012

The terror of exhaustion

I haven't been posting regularly. I have been and still am, exhausted. This is a normal side effect of pregnancy, plus toddler, plus working a couple of days a week. But I really struggle with exhaustion.

Firstly, I am a get things done kinda girl. I like to get up in the morning, have brekkie, check fb and emails and then get the housework done. Nothing major. Washing hung out, kitchen tidy, general tidy up and work out what we are having for dinner. But exhaustion makes that seem like an impossible task. I think about having a shower and know that I will need to lie down afterwards. I look at my daughter and seriously panic about how I am going to look after her all day. The washing and the kitchen are just insurmountable. And dinner? Who knows? So it really gets me down to feel unable to manage my home and my life. Just the little things but the things that make me feel like things are okay.

Secondly, exhaustion feels like depression. For anyone who knows the debilitating lethargy and lack of motivation of depression, then maybe you will understand the terror of exhaustion. It feels depressing. It looks like depression, well at least me and the house look depressed. But I'm not. I am just physically unable to do stuff. And hubby has to pick up the slack. And for him that looks and feels like I am depressed. I am no longer throwing up all day, so what is up with me? Why am I a lump in the corner of the lounge looking desperately in his direction when he walks in the door at the end of the day? Its exhaustion.

Exhaustion can be depressing, but for me it is terrifying because it reminds me constantly of the fragility of mental well being and it challenges me to accept my limitations. I don't want to have limitations. Not when it comes to the basics that I just expect to be able to do and that I actually generally enjoy being able to get done. But thankfully I have some wonderful people around me who remind me that it is what it is. I can get frustrated and stressed about feeling tired, but I will still be tired. So instead it is much wiser to got to bed early every night, do the bare minimum each day and just accept the season. Fear and terror certainly doesn't help and if anything it is good to know that I am actually tired. It is not all in my head, so to speak.

And today I had the energy to write. I have done no housework but there is not much to do. And I choose to write with the energy I have. Because I love doing it and life is to be enjoyed right now, not when I have energy again. I am going to have another baby in less than 3 months so waiting to have energy to burn would be a pretty silly strategy. Anyway, that is another post entirely.

1 comment:

  1. I so get it. I think it's easier for us ottery type personalities however, for whom having a morning where washing/kitchen clean up/dishes/dinner got done would be a miracle even on a non-pregnant, without-kids day! Lower standards make any achievment a cause for celebration. Loving having you writing again even with the infrequency :) (I get that too!) xx