Welcome to July! You may have noticed the generally negative posts I have been making over the last little while. Well, after a week or so of being in tears and not really keeping it together and months of feeling down, I went to the doctor. He was fantastic and listened to all my symptoms and diagnosed me with mild depression and an anxiety disorder. He was really encouraging about dealing with it and we are going to hold off on medication at this stage. The first step is easing my workload and then some lifestyle changes such as more excercise and eating healthier. I also want to invistigate seeing a psychotherapist. The doctor said that quitting my job would lead to more depression and I am sure he is right. I know that my personality and thinking patterns are responsible for a lot of how I am feeling and leaving my job would not actually deal with it at all. That is a pretty scary thing because it would be much easier to blame external factors rather than admit that I am my own worst enemy.

I have had a lot of friends deal with mental illness in the last few years and I have always known that I am prone to depression. However it is wierd being on the other side of the fence. I tend to be the friend who gives advice and listens to problems but it is impossible to do that for yourself when you aren't well. I am having to face the hard truth that it is very difficult to fix yourself and stay in control. I need to accept that I need help and support. Part of me feels like a failure but another part is excited about the freedom in recognising something is wrong and that I can't cope if nothing changes.

So tomorrow I am seeing the HR person at work to try and reduce my stress at work. I am hoping that I can keep it together and also explain clearly what the problem is. It is awful feeling that you have to prove how you feel and I know that all teachers are stressed. But I have to do what is right for me. So prayers would be welcomed that my hope for the future would be renewed and that I won't feel like a failure. It is a poerful thing to take control of your situation and that is how I want to feel.