Jesus is not my therapist

This may not be revelation to you, but it has challenged me. Yesterday I went to a seminar given by a guy from L'abri in Sydney. He was talking about Christianity and Science. One session was about the rise and rise of New Age philosophy and spirituality as an answer for peope searching for healing and hope. He mentioned that many forms of therapy can fit under the umbrella of New Age.

One thing he pointed out that Christian faith is not about self. It is about the giving up of self to God, it is about making Jesus Lord of your life. And he expressed the view that any type of therapy which only deals with the self will not bring about lasting healing. I found this challenging. So often I feel totally absorbed in my own weaknesses, pain and struggles. But what he said is true and I can testify to its truth in my own life. The times I feel most at peace are when I am aware of the needs of others and put them before my own.

However, I think today's culture, and certainly myself, don't really like the idea of self denial because we have seen people burn out and hurt those close to them by not dealing with their own issues, or people can feel neglected as they meet other's needs but their own are not met. But this is not what God wants. The kingdom should be about everyone caring for each other so that no-one is in need.

So I want to take the risk of leaving my hurts and struggles with God and getting up and getting on with doing something to serve. Maybe not anything really big, but something. Because there is no hope or peace in staring at my own navel. Jesus is the healer but he certainly isn't my therapist.

South Island Escape

Wow! It is already the end of March. So much water under the bridge. We had an amazing holiday in the South Island over the summer holidays. When I look at the photos I am amazed at all that we saw and did. I just didn't realise how amazing it was when I was there. I can't wait to see more of beautiful New Zealand.

Getting merry!

I find it hard to get into the Christmas spirit. This is always such a busy time of year and I am always running on empty, just hanging on for the lazy days of January. I feel like it should still be August because the last few months have been such a blur. When I worked in retail, the Christmas carol CD which played would get me into the mood in November and I would be totally over it by Christmas Day. Also, as I get older the childhood delight about Christmas is very much on the wane and I look forward to a bit of a sleep in, rather than getting up at 5am to see what Santa brought.

But there are a few things which still make it exciting. My husband and I do stockings for each other and it is lovely to not know what I am getting in it. Even if it is deodorant and a chocolate santa. (He does get me lovely things, that is just a rather banal example of the contents).

This year I am going to hear my parents sing in a performance of The Messiah, so I am hoping that will help get me all excited. I also think I need to read the story again and get into the reality of why we celebrate it.

Christmas shopping has the opposite effect. It strips Christmas of its joy, especially in the madness of the obligatory Westfield mall. It is stressful and busy and the list of presents to buy gets in the way of getting things which really mean something. I love the idea of making things but this is the time of the year where my creative juices (and there aren't many at the best of times) are sorely lacking.

So the answer? Maybe celebrate Christmas about the 15th of January. The weather is better, everyone is relaxed and there has been time and space to think about the reason for the season.

Or just try to celebrate all year round. I am so glad Jesus was born. It is a comfort to know he understands the pain and joy of being human and the sense of things not being quite right as we await Jesus' return. He knows about busyness and managed to keep the right things a priority. I hope in this silliest of seasons I can also do that, even for only a moment or two, and not let this Christmas slide by, lost in the rush of life.

Know yourself

I am a total sucker for personality tests and excercises which help me understand myself better. The following are two tests I like.

www.8tribes.co.nz - this one is from a book written by a kiwi woman who has broken down the New Zealand population into 8 classes. According to the test I am a cross between Balclutha and Grey Lynn. I found it really helpful. I now know why I want to be a greeny but think green products are a bit of a rip off. Or why I think it is important to consider social justice and the impact of decisions on people but describing yourself as left wing as if that is the only 'right' way to think is foolish and ignorant. Or why I get really frustrated that at the end of a deep and thoughtful discussion no-one does anything practical with it!

Have a look and find out which tribe you are part of!

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp - this one is based on the Myers Briggs personality profiles. I have done this a few times and I am a strong ENFJ. I find it really useful to read about my personality because it explains why sometimes I feel like two different people inhabiting one body. This version gives quite a lot of information.

Hope you like your type!

Heck, it is nearly Christmas!

I cannot believe that 2007 is nearly over. I am finishing up at my current job and moving on to a new school. I am excited about the move but feel really sad that things haven't worked out the way I planned here, for me personally really. I had planned 2007 and what it would mean for me and I find myself at the end of the year feeling like nothing happened. Well a lot has happened but not much that was wanted.

I have found the last week or so difficult. It seems there are more and more situations which bring reality home to me - visiting the dentist, optometrist and osteopath (who all knew I was pregnant) and having to explain what has happened. Having to plan to be working next year, though I really do like being a teacher, it just wasn't supposed to be what 2008 was for me.

I try very hard to be content, to accept what has happened, take the good, like I know I can get pregnant, and not focus on the bad, like every woman around me is pregnant! It is pretty hard work and frankly, very exhausting.

But I am determined not to sink into darkness, to still celebrate the good and not to bleed my life dry of hope. Grief is a vortex and it could pull everything in my life into its blackhole, but I can't let it.

Today I saw a friends baby laughing and giggling and I was reminded that in all my mental turmoil, that is what it is about. New life and so much potential, joy in the little things, just joy in being alive, on the earth which has so much to offer. Funny that something which should make me sad, helps keep things in perspective.

Not waving, but drowning

I am popping my head up above the surface every now and then. I have felt overwhelmed by the reality of what I am going through but today I feel it lifting. It is so hard accepting that I am no longer pregnant and will not be having a baby in February. But there is something comfortingly real about the cold, hard facts. I find myself being swept away by grief and it physically hurts, but facts are what brings me back to the surface. You would think the facts would be so hard to deal with, but instead it is the pain and sadness which is the hardest for me to face.

It is easy at a time like this to justify not being able to function based on what I have lost. And yes, it is huge and horrible. But it is so much worse when I disappear under it all. Today I went for a walk. That was all it took to lift me for today. A walk is based on the fact that I need to excercise to be healthy. It is not based on how I feel. It is a relief to have a fact to cling to when my head is spinning.

Another fact is that my specialist has given me a date when I will be discharged. That is when all the follow up blood tests should end and when I will be free to get on with my life. That fact is really helping. I can see 2008, where as before it was a huge grey blur.

Another fact which is helping me deal with everything is the financial reality of another year to save a deposit for a house, and the consequences if we don't. Even though my idealism wishes that money was no consideration, that is just crazy! I feel like saving hard and getting real about the cost of the life we want is preparing me to be a good parent, so it feels purposeful.

Today is a day for reality - baby shower to attend. Each experience like this helps me to accept my situation and live in it, rather than wanting to jump out of my own life and into someone elses. Isn't that weird? Maybe it is just how I feel today, but I am going to cling to it.

Still in shock

The last couple of weeks have gone by so fast. Returning to work and dealing with being a totally different person than when I left, dealing with people saying things and not saying things. Thankfully the school holidays arrived and saved me from the intensity of it all. But burying myself in work has been such a relief. It allows my brain and heart to rest from all the thinking and helps me to feel like myself again.

It is hard as the distance from 'that weekend' grows. Am I supposed to feel better? Instead it is like after you have had a filling. At first you are numb and it is uncomfortable and awkward but you have no idea of the pain. But then it slowly appears as the anaesthetic wears off. My pain is appearing over the horizon.

I drive around, I walk around and I want to scream "What just happened?! Why hasn't the world stopped?! The is too much!" But then life just keeps rolling along.

I have been trying to keep busy and surrounded by people but I have reached the point of exhaustion and need my own company and thoughts. It physically hurts to be alone with it all but it also stops me from forgetting. And the last thing I want to do is forget. I get so sad when I feel okay, as if it hasn't happened. But I know it will get easier to be in the world and living normally without feeling like that means denying the reality of it all.

Today I had a session with a grief counsellor. It was such a relief to talk and cry about the deep down things which I have felt too scared to say aloud. It helped me to not be so scared and to know that I am doing okay.

Each day is so new and unexpected but hopefully soon the reality of what happened will no longer shock me.