I am back at work and feeling so much better. Work still seems like too much for one little person but I feel better about that. The feelings of anxiety, like butterflies playing rugby in my tummy, have almost disappeared.

One of the amazing things I have found over the last wee while and in the past is that prayer has this unexplainable effect on my anxiety levels. After praying, for no rational reason the physical feelings of anxiety seem to fade. This doesn't always happen but recently it has been more frequent. Often I am praying as a last resort because my own will power and thinking skills seems unable to calm my sense of panic. I do believe that the anxiety I have been experiencing has a subconscious explanation which I am not fully able to understand.

I have never thought of myself as very prayerful and I have always thought that the supposed power of prayer was a nice idea but hadn't personally felt any physical effects. But these last few weeks the impact has been very tangible and real and seems to have nothing to do with how I pray such as the words I use or even my sense of "being spiritual" at the time. I do think it is an example of a miracle for me and more importantly, a sign of God's grace on earth.

So despite not having a superhuman transformation over the holidays so that my job is more managable, it doesn't matter as much now because the sense of anxiety is diminished and I have my sanity back, however incomplete and fragile...

I've just come back from a wonderful 10 days in Melbourne. Being a tourist is a wonderful thing, flying in over a city and having no idea what you are looking at but being so excited about exploring it. We stayed with my sister in law and their 3 kids. Every morning we were woken up by a 2 year old and a 4 year old. There is nothing like it. One of the wonderful things in life. Kids get up each day and they are so excited about the day and all the possibility it holds. They are such an excellent example for hardened adults.

The whole time we were in Melbourne I felt totally disorientated. It took me a while to work out why but then realised. In Auckland we navigate by volcanic cones and the sky tower. So wherever you are you always know what direction you are facing. In Melbourne there are no obvious land marks, especially in the CBD. I have always thought I had an excellent sense of direction but no sooner had my eyes left the map then I would be completely lost again. We even caught a tram in the completely wrong direction!

We loved the city though; the Victoria Markets with the amazing deli and passion fruit in July no less! We loved the trams and trains. It is so obvious that Auckland needs to sort out its public transport after a visit to a large city like Melbourne. The shopping was pretty cool too.

So overall I loved Melbourne and we even talked about what it would be like to live there. We agreed that it would be fantastic for a time if you lived in the city but that the burbs are the burbs wherever you are in the world. We also realised that having family there makes all the difference and that we would only be prepared to move overseas if there were at least a couple of people who already knew us. So that when it all seemed too big and strange there was someone who could understand who you were without translation.

But I think we have the travel bug and we plan to make the most of all the opportunities in our own fair city before heading overseas again to sample someone elses.

I am off to Melbourne for a holiday tomorrow. I am so excited. I think it is just what the doctor ordered. I haven't travelled overseas since I was 15. The fact that we are going has reinvigorated my faith in the fact that life is full of posibilities. I want to see the museum and art galleries, go to the markets and just remind myself that there are so many opportunities in life and i want to make the most of it. And hopefully when I return I will be ready to make some changes so that my life can reflect those possibilities.

Thanks to the wonderful HR woman at work I have been given the rest of the week off. It is wierd but the moment the pressure is off I keep thinking to myself "Why was I feeling so stressed?" but then something little happens and I realise that I am not feeling better, I just don't have to perform like I do at work. It is amazing how much the little things help though. I cleaned the house today and it felt like it was the most amazing accomplishment. I just felt a bit more in control and a little less useless.

I heard from a friend that anxiety can be a symptom of frustration or anger. I can relate to that. I am not easily satisfied with life and I can lose objectivity with my own situation. I am determined to get to the bottom of this. I am realising that I need to work with who I am and not feel bad about it. I never thought I would have to deal with something like this but when I think over my life so far and some of my behaviours it isn't all that suprising.

My Mum said something very interesting to me yesterday. She said I have always taken responsibility for things which are not my problem, such as how my parents feel or problems at work. It makes me deeply empathetic but also means there is a very fine line between myself and other people and I often don't know how I actually feel or what I think about things. So these little insights are helping me to understand myself better.

I don't want this bol to turn into a diary of my own angst but it has been a bit like that already so I guess this is just a twist in this blog's identity!

Welcome to July! You may have noticed the generally negative posts I have been making over the last little while. Well, after a week or so of being in tears and not really keeping it together and months of feeling down, I went to the doctor. He was fantastic and listened to all my symptoms and diagnosed me with mild depression and an anxiety disorder. He was really encouraging about dealing with it and we are going to hold off on medication at this stage. The first step is easing my workload and then some lifestyle changes such as more excercise and eating healthier. I also want to invistigate seeing a psychotherapist. The doctor said that quitting my job would lead to more depression and I am sure he is right. I know that my personality and thinking patterns are responsible for a lot of how I am feeling and leaving my job would not actually deal with it at all. That is a pretty scary thing because it would be much easier to blame external factors rather than admit that I am my own worst enemy.

I have had a lot of friends deal with mental illness in the last few years and I have always known that I am prone to depression. However it is wierd being on the other side of the fence. I tend to be the friend who gives advice and listens to problems but it is impossible to do that for yourself when you aren't well. I am having to face the hard truth that it is very difficult to fix yourself and stay in control. I need to accept that I need help and support. Part of me feels like a failure but another part is excited about the freedom in recognising something is wrong and that I can't cope if nothing changes.

So tomorrow I am seeing the HR person at work to try and reduce my stress at work. I am hoping that I can keep it together and also explain clearly what the problem is. It is awful feeling that you have to prove how you feel and I know that all teachers are stressed. But I have to do what is right for me. So prayers would be welcomed that my hope for the future would be renewed and that I won't feel like a failure. It is a poerful thing to take control of your situation and that is how I want to feel.

Who came up with the working week anyway, that's what I want to know. I have realised that I don't actually believe in work. The idea of going to the same job everyday so I bring home a pay check so I can buy things at the weekend and then go back to work on Monday seems rather depressing. I freely admit that I am a very people person and rather idealistic so the reality of the need for money is not as immediate for me. That is not to say that I don't worry about paying the bills but my paycheck does not motivate me to do my job. I feel like the financial system we are working in traps us. How can we do what we are passionate about, spend time with family and friends, be servants to our Churches and communties when the working world seems to have such a rigid view of what work is? Job sharing, glide time and contracting can offer some flexibility but not everyone has those options. I think there needs to be greater recognition of the rythms of life and a holistic approach to employment. I know that it sounds like pie in the sky, especially for those who are self employed but we have choices and the economy is a human system, even though it often seems to work against us. Paid parental leave is an example of what is possible when people demand that their real lives are recognised and supported.

For me, I dream of being able to work hard in what I am passionate about but still feel like I can participate in non-paid work which is important to me. Now I need to have the courage to risk moving outside a mainstream way of doing work.

Expectations are tricky things, expecially when they are of yourself. I tend to have really high expectations of myself. Not necessarily in the the things that matter. I tend to expect to be able to fit everything in, to be totally organised and to have everything under control. As is probably obvious these expectations of myself are completely ridiculous. There is no way I can fulfil them. And you know what the strange thing is, if I had to sum up what I really think is important in life, being organised just wouldn't be very high up the list. But actions do often speak louder than philosophy.

What I find scary is the possiblity of changing the ecpectations I have of myself. I feel that if I expect "less" in the way of quantity of work, organisation and how people see me I will be lowering my standards and being lazy, or even worse, that people may think less of me. And I think that's what it really comes down to. Caring what people think instead of what I know is important in life. I know that the only way to combat this form of self oppression is to look to God's opinion instead of people. The trouble with that is that I have no idea what God thinks of me. I know it in the general sense, I know I am loved and that God desires me to grow to be more like Christ through the Holy Spirit. But I don't know how Jesus would say "No" in a work situation or cope with the stress of deadlines, multi-tasking, family and being "healthy".

So I guess I come back to the fact that maybe I need to recognise I am only human and I stuff up a lot and maybe humility is really the answer to it all. Let me know if you have worked out how to be humble but also maintain good self-esteem which is not based on what you DO but who you ARE. I think I have been working on that for most of my conscious life and it still has me completely stumped!

Mmmmmm no answers here...