A few weeks ago I hit the wall. Not literally. But I had to go down that well trodden path which starts with feeling unable to do the things I want to do, feeling like a crappy Mum and wife, just so tired and so frustrated that I start thinking that I am the problem. So I lost it one night. And poor hubby just said he really didn't have it in him to go through having a depressed wife again. And that was terrifying, but also good.
So I went to my GP and asked for a referral to the maternal mental health service again. Because when I am on that horrible slippery slope I feel like I need someone to rescue me. BUT, and this is BIG, my GP looked at my blood tests and said that with B12 that low and anemia, everything I was feeling could all be because of that. So maybe I wasn't going nuts again? Maybe I was normal? Maybe I had a physical problem with a physical solution and it wasn't my silly mind again? Revolutionary! Extraordinary!
So the next day as I waited for my B12 bloods to come back I prayed that it would be low, really low, and I would be able to have an injection and it wouldn't be about me being a loon, or weak or faulty. It would be a physical problem. And with prayer answered, I was so happy to have that needle in my arm.
Then that weekend I saw my midwife who listened so empathetically and told me another wonderful thing... Every women she sees at this stage of pregnancy feels like they can't cope and are exhausted and cries. It is normal to reach this point. She encouraged me to ask for help and to be kind to myself. So that evening I phoned my parents and told them how tough we were finding things. I think the fear of your child falling apart is pretty powerful and so my parents knew that the practical support they could offer now might be the difference between being ok and or me sinking into depression again just before the baby is born.
So the last few weeks my parents have helped me to do housework and look after Ella so I can nap. And I have been accepting the season I am in and that I need to "nest and rest". I have experienced the most wonderful peace because I am not beating myself up and I know I have help to get things done. And it isn't personal, it is just the way it is when you are me and this pregnant.
I don't think you have to have experienced depression to know the awfulness of blaming yourself when you can't keep up with your own expectations. For me lowering my expectations of myself but asking for help has allowed me to be okay. I really feel for all those who don't have people they can call on for help. But I am so grateful that I do. And I don't care what anybody thinks about my lack of independence or what mothers "should" be able to manage. I am just me and taking care of myself is the best thing I can do right now as I continue to enjoy that I have a physical condition (normal pregnancy) and am not going nuts!
