The last few weeks I have been doing some part time work from home. It has been really difficult. I found myself resenting Ella's interuptions to my flow of work and the pressure of deadlines with the unpredictable reality of a young baby was so stressful. But now that it is over I realise I learnt a lot. I can work very fast when I need too. That when Ella is awake she is a joy and I never want to wish her away. That when a baby sleeps it is bliss, for her and me! That life is not able to be planned and structured the way a work place is. I want to be interuptible. Amazing blessings and fun can be had when it wasn't planned and I want to be open to that. One of the best times is when I am tired and lie down on the floor with Ella while she plays. It really does simplify my perspective. I can't see the stuff that needs to be done and it is all about the next funny face, silly noise or cuddle. Or in Ella's case - spew!
Also when I took this work on I thought I had to do it on my own and felt a failure when I had to ask family and friends for help to look after Ella so I could work. But it is true that it takes a village. It is impossible to do it on my own and Ella has had wonderful times with the special people in her life. I am sure many mothers are struggling on in their homes, scared to ask for help for fear of looking like they can't hope. But we are not supposed to be alone, that is just what our cities and towns and homes do to us. I am so grateful for the amazing support I have and am really recognising that I am only a part of group of people who are helping Ella grow up.
