Being pregnant again has really tested my ability to trust God with our baby. After experiencing losing a baby once and the randomness of it and the lack of control I had in the whole process it is hard to trust that God will protect the baby growing inside of me. It makes me ask a lot of hard questions like why he didn't protect our first child and what makes this pregnancy different?
I think the things which comforted me in my loss are not so helpful right now. When we lost our first baby I came to some peace with it through understanding that creation is fallen and our loss really was symptomatic of that. It wasn't personal, it just shows the tension of being in the now but not yet time we are in as we wait for Jesus to return and fully restore our world.
But now that I am pregnant again it feels terribly risky and I have withdrawn from God in fear of it happening again. But recently I have realised I really need to deal with this as I do want to trust God again and trust Him with my life and in particular, our children and family. And what I have come back to is His character. I know God's heart broke with us when we lost our first child and I know that he knows this baby already and has plans and hopes for her. I know that God does not wish us to suffer loss and tragedy. So since that is who He is then I have no choice but to let go and rest in Him. If I am honest there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this pregnancy except take care of myself. The rest is faith anyway. And who better to trust than the creator who guides the miracle of new life which is happening inside me.
I still have no easy answers for the tension and fear I feel about this but I am grateful to God for the way I have been freed from paralytic anxiety and that this pregnancy is going so well and that the baby is doing all she should. So I place myself in God's hands, knowing that he knows my heart and trusting that whatever happens in the future, I will never be alone.
