It is has been a long time. Lots of wrestling and hard things to accept and deal with. And I have been contemplating holding on. When things in life are not co-operating, when life seems disappointing and draining, what do you do?
Well what is working for me is doing the little things that I know are the right things to do and hanging on. So I have been reading my bible in the mornings, trying to do my best in my job, care for my husband and enjoy the blessings now. I am trying to use the gifts God has given me and generally wanting to live the life I know I should live but make lots of excuses not to.
I know that sounds like a lot of "shoulds". But to be perfectly honest, they are good and right things to do. So it is not a guilt trip, it is more that I know that God has shown me the things you can do in life that make things easier, that help me to walk in step with him, rather than fumbling and crawling around on my own. Living well now gives me hope and it is amazing how God has blessed my choices.
For example I have had people really encourage me and that has given me the confidence to consider what God may have for me in the future. That has been too scary to consider for a long time as my self confidence was so low. Also I feel like I am not in that awful rollercoaster of closeness with God for a few days and then distance just through lack of time spent together. I feel like I am learning and growing and that makes me feel that life is full of possibility. That despite suffering and struggles God is doing a good work in me.
So I pray that I can be a committed partner with God in doing the little things. And in doing that trully surrender the big things to His care. In a confusing and painful world that is where my hope is found.
