I have had a sad week. My cousin took his own life earlier this week and yesterday I went to the funeral. I was not close to him but he was the kind of guy where just catching up every few years was meaningful and felt like you had just seen each other the other day.

There are so many thoughts which run through your head while waiting to attend someone's funeral.
For me this week I have been thinking a lot about how scared of going to funerals I am.
I am afraid of the outpouring of unpredictable emotion, of seeing people who have been the strong adults in my family, broken by grief. Of hearing about the person who has passed and losing control of my own emotions. But yesterday was actually a relief.

It was a relief to be with people who were all shocked and hurting, who wanted to remember the man who was so special to them. The church was packed to the doors and people were openly grieving. I appreciated a chance to cry with others and not to question whether I was close enough to him for it to be valid. It was good to have an occasion to try to begin to let go.

What amazed me the most was the way his close family were able to care for others and share their grief with others. I really pray that over the next weeks, months and years that we will be there to comfort them. For me the funeral was a closure but for them it is just the beginning of realising what the death of their son, brother, friend will mean.