Best laid plans and all that...
The last few weeks have been a real lesson in dealing with plans not going quite as planned. During the school holidays I got sick, the cat got injured, the car broke down, we had to shorten our holiday, the motel we booked was not what we expected, the car broke down again and now the cat is injured again.
Hmmm, when I list it all like that it is no wonder I feel a little uncertain, as if the rug has been pulled out from under me.
What is suprising about all of this is it has all been random and unforseeable events which we could not have prevented. In a way that is comforting because we couldn't have done anything about them. But that is also scary because we have had to realise again that we have very little control over our own lives and so much of life is at the mercy of things going to plan.

It has been a real test of my ability to let things go and accept what has happened rather than what I had wished for. It has also reminded me that I really am totally dependent on God and that any illusion that I may have that I am the author of my life, is just that, an illusion.

It leaves me wondering whether I should just sit back and let life just happen, since so much of it is out of my control. But that doesn't sit right with me. God gave me a brain to use and made me a bit of a planner so I think I should use those gifts, however, as soon as I think I have power over my own life, that is when things get messed up. It is so much harder to deal with the unpredictability of life when you are living under the false belief that you should be able to predict the future and be ready for it. There is wisdom in being prepared for the unpredictable but the fact is that you don't know what it will be. It is unpredictable.

I am the kind of person who gets scared about life quite easily. I feel worried and insecure. I worry about doing the wrong thing or not hearing God's voice and "missing" the right path. Thought intellectually I know that is not how God works, it still is something I struggle with. But the last few weeks have shown me I can cope with life being its messy self and that sometimes it is quite a relief to realise how helpless I am. It means I can lean on God and throw my hands in the air and say "What now?" without thinking I am supposed to know all the answers. It also reminds me of how awesome God is and helps me to see all the ways he constantly provides for me.

I need to remember that God holds my fragile life together, not me. And I have a feeling that the life he wants to hold together looks quite different from the one I had planned.