Learning to stay home

While I was really depressed one of the ways I coped was to have something planned each day and to get out of the house. Over the holidays I have decided that I can't be that busy anymore and that I have been running away from being at home in fear of feeling down or feeling like I can't cope with caring for Ella. By the end of last year I felt like someone else was running my life rather than me choosing what I wanted to do. The someone else was fear and exhaustion. I had this idea that going to things and visiting people would mean I didn't feel so tired. But the result was me feeling anxious and more and more tired because I wasn't choosing my life, just reacting.

So today was the day hubby went back to work and my first day of doing less. It was still pretty busy but I didn't have anything planned and did what felt right for today. It was tough to not get on the phone and organise things. I had to consciously decide not to fill my diary. It helps that I am working Thursday and Friday this year so I can keep the first half of the week as my own and the clear delineation helps me to see how I can manage my commitments better.

What I ultimately want is to build my confidence to be alone with Ella and to embrace life as a part time SAHM. I love people and company but don't want to be afraid of myself.