Ending the involuntary vow of silence

It has certainly been awhile. This seems to the pattern with my blog. After my last post things changed in bigger ways than I had really expected. I had decided to leave teaching and spend a year doing some theological study and thinking about what next for my life. I have spent the last 3 years wanting to start a family and it hadn't happened so I decided that living my life on pause was not working and that I needed to really surrender my hopes and plans to God and get on with living what I believe is truly important.

So I thought about it all really carefully and prayed and did what has been one of the scariest things I have ever done in my life, walk away from the security of my job into the unknown. Well it seems that God took me seriously when I committed to surrender my plans to him because the afternoon of the day I resigned from my job I discovered I was pregnant! I was so over the moon but also spinning as this meant no job, and also no study as my due date is before the end of the first semester. So what did that mean? What was I supposed to do with myself?

So in the midst of some pretty debilatating all day morning sickness I wresteled a bit with this. I know that may seem weird since I had been blessed with what I truly wanted, but as I am sure you will know, the mind is a crazy thing. For so long I have been programmed to do things because they seem like I should do them, they are worthy or have some massive purpose or reason. But here I am with no big responsibilities and with the most chilled out life I have ever had. How does that work with my protestant work ethic? Through this I started to get really honest with myself. Throughout my teaching career I always felt unprepared and stretched, like I was faking it till I made it and trying to solve everyone's problems but I always feeling I didn't have the skills to really do a good job. That constant tension is exhausting and gradually I have lost a lot of my confidence in my abilities. I also feel like I never really made a decision to be a teacher, rather that it just seemed to be the logical next step.

For years I have wanted to be at home, or at least make a change and reduce the pressure I had been feeling in my work. And here I am. God has blessed me with everything I truly wanted but was too afraid to admit. It is such a lesson in not trying to be who you think you should be but instead being honest with God and trusting him to work through those struggles.

So come June I will be home with a baby and in the mean time I will do some relief and whatever else pops up.

The weirdest thing about all this is when people ask me "What are you going to do?". Honestly I have no idea how to respond to this question. I am going to be a Mum. I know that seems very 1950s but at present that is the next chapter and I will see where God leads me as far as future work or career goes but at present it seems like the wrong question to be asking. I know I am privileged to be free of the dreaded mortgage, which certainly gives me more choice in what I do. But I also think it is sad that there is so much pressure on women to not only raise a child but also continue to be career focussed. Gender equality can provide so many opportunities but also so many obligations rather than choices.

So I am now 17 weeks pregnant, no longer strapped to the couch and eating porrige morning, noon and night and really enjoying this new season in my life. Who knows what the future holds but it is amazing how things work out.