There are many reasons for my lack of posts recently but the main one is that we have started looking for a house to buy. Suddenly, after years of being mildly bemused by our friends who were buying their own places we wanted our own patch of dirt to call home. It helps that it wasn't so much of a fantasy thanks to the saving we have been doing. And there we were, bright eyed and bushy tailed, naively extolling the joys of open homes and the excitement of finding our special place.
That was a few months ago and the thrill of the chase and hunt has definitely worn off. I know, I know everyone told me how stressful and agonising the whole process is but despite the advice we still believed it would be great. I mean, for years I have trawled real estate websites finding properties that would be wonderful for us. And just as we start looking it seems like there is nothing that would suit us. Well it seems that way. It is a bit tricky when you are looking for a place with room for the chickens, beehives and the dream vege garden!
The most intense part for us is how the whole process slams us up against our values and priorities and how easy it is to get focussed on dollars and nothing else. When life seems divided into price brackets and each photo seems to reveal an idyllic, wide angle, open plan lifestyle with character features, you can be forgiven for thinking that with a bit more cash the dream life and family could be yours.
It has really tested what we would be prepared to sacrifice. Would we sacrifice the priorities of family time, peace and people for the chance to live in that 'perfect' house? Or can we live and be content in a home which might not be picture perfect and needs some serious TLC? And it also highlights that hubby and I are different people and have very different personalities. I am all about completing the task and I never waited long enough for God to grant me patience. Hubby is phlegmatic to his core. He makes decisions with his gut but slowly and slow doesn't always work for me, or for house buying. But he is true to his values because he is prepared to wait for the dream. Where as I have quickly decided that the dream is a fantasy and we should settle for something less, actually the house we just saw. And he has to deal with me raving all the apparent positives about the place, despite the fact that he does not want to live there. And the raving goes on for quite a while, only ceasing for meal breaks. Often for days. Yes I am am sometimes that awful to live with. But to be fair he cannot give me many reasons not to buy it. It is just not right and not what we have said we want. Slowly I realise he might be right and that I will not spontaneously combust with frustration by not buying a house NOW. He is a patient man.
Today I was in such a state about it all that I asked a friend to pray for me. She said she felt God was saying that two things would be clarified by the end of the day. I thought "Ooh wouldn't that be nice" and thought it would mean what we were going to have for dinner and that I need to be patient...
Instead as I was spending some time feeding Ella and I realised that the pressure to buy a house is actually a choice. And we have a great place to live now. So I can wait. And I do want to wait for the dream. And in the mean time we can carry on with life. We don't have to suspend life while house hunting. So I feel less frustrated and feel more empowered that I can choose how to approach this. I am not a victim of circumstance. I am choosing to wait for the right place when it is right for us both. That was followed by a call from hubby who had made a major decision about work and had some major dilemmas sorted. So tonight we are celebrating clarity, times two! And who said prayer doesn't work! And to add to the joy we have another house on the radar to get all excited about. It is enough to complete exhaust a girl. So I off I go to bed to rest up for whatever is ahead.
Monday, 13 June 2011
Sunday, 29 May 2011
I am not what I do
I always want to do and be more. I have the kind of personality who always wants to achieve more and I want to be one of those people who make a difference. Throw in some perfectionism, being a dreamer and problem solver, naive optimism and a bit of arrogance and you have a recipe for completely unrealistic expectations of what one person can do. Often these expectations come with total blindness to the lack of energy and exhaustion in my actual life and the very long list of basics I am not managing to keep on top of. I have wondered for a long time why I continually have this tension between my actual life and all the things I wish I could do as well.
Here is a list of the ones flying round my head at the moment:
As you can see there is a lot going on in my head and a lot of it is contradictory. I imagine there are other Mums out there who have similar battles between their reality and what they would like to do. But I wonder whether for me these ideas are partly about not dealing with my reality. If I keep coming up with new things to do I don't have to just be in my life. Instead I am always in a state of discontent thinking up the next thing I want to do, but never actually do. Or maybe it is because I haven't developed an integrated sense of who I am? But what does that mean anyway? Or is it just the fact that women today have so much apparent choice that it almost creates the sense that you should do more, choose more and be more.
Maybe that is it. Maybe the question is whether I am enough without doing more? Just the way I am now. Am I acceptable and okay as I am, without any of the above? And therefore does my identity just come from what I do? What does that say about how I view others? Am I judging others who I think "should" do more? And have I turned this on myself?
Okay enough questions. I hate blog posts that just have lists of questions but as no clarity has been forth coming I will have to leave it at that. But I really would love to hear from other women who wrestle with these questions. Have you made any peace with this?
P.S just discovered the one of our kittens peed on our bed and it has gone through our woollen duvets, sheets and into the mattress. These things put my navel gazing into perspective.
Here is a list of the ones flying round my head at the moment:
- become a child birth educator
- start selling card making equipment
- write more blogs and find ways of making them profitable
- set up a trust aimed at supporting teen mums getting an education
- start sewing
- stay home more and make house
- do a Masters in Applied Social Work
- start scrapbooking
- get more involved at church
- read more
- stop working and go to playcentre
- work more and do more at work
- set up a community garden
- have another child
- move to the country so that I am at home and can't do all of the above and have a more simple life.
- achieve world peace, end poverty, solve the climate change crisis...
As you can see there is a lot going on in my head and a lot of it is contradictory. I imagine there are other Mums out there who have similar battles between their reality and what they would like to do. But I wonder whether for me these ideas are partly about not dealing with my reality. If I keep coming up with new things to do I don't have to just be in my life. Instead I am always in a state of discontent thinking up the next thing I want to do, but never actually do. Or maybe it is because I haven't developed an integrated sense of who I am? But what does that mean anyway? Or is it just the fact that women today have so much apparent choice that it almost creates the sense that you should do more, choose more and be more.
Maybe that is it. Maybe the question is whether I am enough without doing more? Just the way I am now. Am I acceptable and okay as I am, without any of the above? And therefore does my identity just come from what I do? What does that say about how I view others? Am I judging others who I think "should" do more? And have I turned this on myself?
Okay enough questions. I hate blog posts that just have lists of questions but as no clarity has been forth coming I will have to leave it at that. But I really would love to hear from other women who wrestle with these questions. Have you made any peace with this?
P.S just discovered the one of our kittens peed on our bed and it has gone through our woollen duvets, sheets and into the mattress. These things put my navel gazing into perspective.
Turn around and face the future
I haven't written for a while. I have been busy. About the time I wrote my last post I made a decision to stop facing backwards with my head and heart in the past and start facing forward, taking what I have learned, scars and all, and get on with living. And since then I have been busy doing just that.
I have started exercising regularly at my local gym. I am hoping to lose a bit of weight and get fit but my main focus is on doing something for me each day and the benefit to my mental state each time I go. I am no good at long term goals, I am all about immediate gratification so it is much more motivating to focus on the benefits I get now, rather than having a weight, dress size or fitness goal. I am actually surprised that I am still going. Usually I lost my commitment almost the day after I commit!
I have also taken the risk of committing to help out with the Mum's spiritual support group at church, called Space. It has been a huge part of me getting better as each week I can spend time with other Mums, be inspired and also commiserate with the struggles of daily life and walking with God. It has given me 'space' to think about God when I was struggling to make any time or space on my own. It is scary to be involved in something at church again but also part of my decision not to focus on my weaknesses or fears but instead to use my gifts and follow my heart and hopefully God will be gracious to me and help me to do it well. It is amazing how freeing it is to stop thinking "Oh I couldn't cope with that", to thinking "I love being part of this and want to help". It is really good to challenge myself not to think I have to do things perfectly but instead to know that by getting involved I can grow and move on in my life.
We have also started house hunting. This has been a huge step as for so long I have felt that any sort of change would be too stressful and life has been in a holding pattern. Since turning in my focus and looking to the future I have had the courage to dream again and get excited about buying our own place. This has opened up my world again and I have almost felt overwhelmed by dreams and hopes and plans for the future. It is such a miracle to me to have a future to even contemplate, and to think that some of the things I used to dream about but had almost given up on, could become a reality is so amazing to me. Depression had threatened to steal all the confidence I used to have in my ability to realise my dreams and I cannot explain what a miracle it is to hope in the future again.
I am also amazed at how freeing it is to no longer be playing a victim role in my life. I used to feel at the mercy of my feelings and felt unable to choose how to deal with different situations. A simple example is food. I used to feel that if there was food out, I had no choice about eating it. Even if I really wanted to eat healthily I felt at the mercy of my desire to eat the food. But since deciding that eating lots of sugary and processed food makes me feel yuck I have been finding it so much easier to say "No thanks" to myself and stick with it. It is actually a bit embarassing to admit but that kind of self-mastery has been pretty foreign to me. And it is so empowering to know I can choose.
I truly believe that freedom is not about doing whatever you want, instead it is the ability to choose to do what is right, despite how it might feel, despite the patterns of the past and despite any fears you might have. I love this new freedom. And I have been so busy enjoying it that I haven't had time to write. But I choose to now and it reminds me how much I have missed it. So hopefully I will be back soon.
I have started exercising regularly at my local gym. I am hoping to lose a bit of weight and get fit but my main focus is on doing something for me each day and the benefit to my mental state each time I go. I am no good at long term goals, I am all about immediate gratification so it is much more motivating to focus on the benefits I get now, rather than having a weight, dress size or fitness goal. I am actually surprised that I am still going. Usually I lost my commitment almost the day after I commit!
I have also taken the risk of committing to help out with the Mum's spiritual support group at church, called Space. It has been a huge part of me getting better as each week I can spend time with other Mums, be inspired and also commiserate with the struggles of daily life and walking with God. It has given me 'space' to think about God when I was struggling to make any time or space on my own. It is scary to be involved in something at church again but also part of my decision not to focus on my weaknesses or fears but instead to use my gifts and follow my heart and hopefully God will be gracious to me and help me to do it well. It is amazing how freeing it is to stop thinking "Oh I couldn't cope with that", to thinking "I love being part of this and want to help". It is really good to challenge myself not to think I have to do things perfectly but instead to know that by getting involved I can grow and move on in my life.
We have also started house hunting. This has been a huge step as for so long I have felt that any sort of change would be too stressful and life has been in a holding pattern. Since turning in my focus and looking to the future I have had the courage to dream again and get excited about buying our own place. This has opened up my world again and I have almost felt overwhelmed by dreams and hopes and plans for the future. It is such a miracle to me to have a future to even contemplate, and to think that some of the things I used to dream about but had almost given up on, could become a reality is so amazing to me. Depression had threatened to steal all the confidence I used to have in my ability to realise my dreams and I cannot explain what a miracle it is to hope in the future again.
I am also amazed at how freeing it is to no longer be playing a victim role in my life. I used to feel at the mercy of my feelings and felt unable to choose how to deal with different situations. A simple example is food. I used to feel that if there was food out, I had no choice about eating it. Even if I really wanted to eat healthily I felt at the mercy of my desire to eat the food. But since deciding that eating lots of sugary and processed food makes me feel yuck I have been finding it so much easier to say "No thanks" to myself and stick with it. It is actually a bit embarassing to admit but that kind of self-mastery has been pretty foreign to me. And it is so empowering to know I can choose.
I truly believe that freedom is not about doing whatever you want, instead it is the ability to choose to do what is right, despite how it might feel, despite the patterns of the past and despite any fears you might have. I love this new freedom. And I have been so busy enjoying it that I haven't had time to write. But I choose to now and it reminds me how much I have missed it. So hopefully I will be back soon.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Enough of being a victim
This last week has felt like it needed a theme song, just because everything seems to pointing me forward. I have been feeling challenged about playing the victim. It is really easy to feel that I have very little choice about how I feel and I have also noticed how I often feel that I can't change situations that I am finding difficult. As I start to feel better I can see solutions or compromises which can be made and suddenly something which seemed to be "just how it is" has changed and things are better.
An example of this is wrestling with night weaning and needing more sleep and space. In the last fortnight Ella has moved into her own bed in what is now her room. Daddy is helping her get to sleep and soothing her back to sleep when she wakes in the night. This had seemed so impossible before but the combination of being honest with myself about what I needed and also Ella being ready means I have the amazing joy of evenings without what had turned into a marathon of feeding her to sleep. It feels wonderful to know that we are still being sensitive to Ella's needs but I am also being realistic about my own.
This experience has given me a chance to look at the rest of my life and start to take responsibility for the things I wish were different. If I look back over most of my life, I have never felt that I was an active participant in how things turned out for me. That is probably where a lot of my perfectionist and controlling tendencies come from; a sense that I actually have no control. I have always been really sensitive and my emotions have often felt outside of my control. Once I "felt" a certain way that seemed to be reality, rather than something I could think about and check. And often I have believed that some emotions such as anger were not acceptable.
This creates a constant sense of internal conflict where I am at the mercy of my emotions but these emotions are not always "good" or "right". So then guilt and shame are pulled into the mix and life becomes a roller coaster where everything feels unpredictable and nothing seems to be in my control. Hence I act like a victim.
Depression works to make you a victim, even if you have never been before. You lose motivation and energy and everything seems overwhelming. As I feel better and better I can see what a deception it is. If you do nothing and just keep asking "why me?" you feel worse and you get no answers.
Instead I can now see how I can choose to be honest with myself about how I feel, no matter whether it is "good" or not. And then I can do something about it. Doing something might mean just accepting that "this is the way it is". Or it might mean doing something about it such as changing how Ella gets to sleep and where she sleeps.
The reality is that this is the only life I have. And I can spend my time feeling crap about how things are or have been and all the things I have no control over, or I can get involved and live my life. Be an active part of it, question my knee jerk reactions and live what I believe, even if sometimes it is a struggle.
An example of this is wrestling with night weaning and needing more sleep and space. In the last fortnight Ella has moved into her own bed in what is now her room. Daddy is helping her get to sleep and soothing her back to sleep when she wakes in the night. This had seemed so impossible before but the combination of being honest with myself about what I needed and also Ella being ready means I have the amazing joy of evenings without what had turned into a marathon of feeding her to sleep. It feels wonderful to know that we are still being sensitive to Ella's needs but I am also being realistic about my own.
This experience has given me a chance to look at the rest of my life and start to take responsibility for the things I wish were different. If I look back over most of my life, I have never felt that I was an active participant in how things turned out for me. That is probably where a lot of my perfectionist and controlling tendencies come from; a sense that I actually have no control. I have always been really sensitive and my emotions have often felt outside of my control. Once I "felt" a certain way that seemed to be reality, rather than something I could think about and check. And often I have believed that some emotions such as anger were not acceptable.
This creates a constant sense of internal conflict where I am at the mercy of my emotions but these emotions are not always "good" or "right". So then guilt and shame are pulled into the mix and life becomes a roller coaster where everything feels unpredictable and nothing seems to be in my control. Hence I act like a victim.
Depression works to make you a victim, even if you have never been before. You lose motivation and energy and everything seems overwhelming. As I feel better and better I can see what a deception it is. If you do nothing and just keep asking "why me?" you feel worse and you get no answers.
Instead I can now see how I can choose to be honest with myself about how I feel, no matter whether it is "good" or not. And then I can do something about it. Doing something might mean just accepting that "this is the way it is". Or it might mean doing something about it such as changing how Ella gets to sleep and where she sleeps.
The reality is that this is the only life I have. And I can spend my time feeling crap about how things are or have been and all the things I have no control over, or I can get involved and live my life. Be an active part of it, question my knee jerk reactions and live what I believe, even if sometimes it is a struggle.
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Easter with Ella
This Easter is Ella's second but the first where she will be help to understand some of why we are remembering Jesus and what he did. My hubby thinks it is silly that we celebrate it in autumn instead of spring just because the church apparently co-opted a pagan festival. The new life of the resurrection would make so much more sense to Ella if the world outside was living proof of the concept. Since we have little control over when our country recognises Easter, we are stuck with it for now. I have been thinking about the ways we could make it meaningful for us and for her and the rituals and traditions we want to use.
I am a big fan of traditions. They are the things which create meaning and stability for me and also repetition is so useful for allowing me to approach things from different angles but also with reminders that the essential truths remain. The Easter traditions which I grew up with were attending church on Good Friday and Easter Sunday, Mum creating an Easter garden including a stone and a cave, little trees and sand. We always had an Easter hunt, which was quite interesting when we were away on the boat and they had to be hidden around the confined space of a yacht. We also tended to visit different churches at Easter because we were often on holiday. Coromandel Anglican church was a real favourite. The vicar was a woman, which always seemed to bode well, and she wore a gorgeous brightly coloured robe on Easter Sunday. There was always a great children's talk and the service was never too long (got to love the Anglican 15 minute sermon). We could always follow along in the prayer book and there was morning tea - especially important with three young children. Oh and when we went up for communion she blessed all the children. Talk about a way to make kids feel special.
So now that it is my turn to set the traditions and also to think about what is appropriate for an almost two year old, it seems very important business. Hubby and I have already adopted the Easter Egg hunt and have even done ones with only adults involved and some very cryptic clues. We want to make our own hot crossed buns this year as food seems to always be popular around here. Some other lovely suggestions I heard at my church Mum's group this week were decorating egg shells, creating an egg tree out of an old branch, reading children's versions of the Easter story and baking easter treats. A great product I was recommended is a plastic egg carton with 12 plastics eggs. Each egg has a tiny object inside which is a symbol representing a step in the Easter story. I think that would be wonderful for next year so that we can tell the story and she can learn by touching and playing with each object. Maybe we could even make our own.
One of the most profound things I have done at Easter is to take communion. It is so poignant to break bread and drink wine at Easter because it is so raw, the pain, the tragedy but also the hope and the freedom. Ultimate sacrifice.
Another event which has made Easter real to me again has been attending a Stations of the Cross art exhibition. Meditating on the art and they interpretations of the steps Jesus took to the cross have moved me and helped me to recommit myself to Him.
This year in the neverending thing that is life and parenthood I need to make some space and time for Easter to be real to me again, otherwise what do I have to share with Ella, except an empty story and some cliched traditions.
I am a big fan of traditions. They are the things which create meaning and stability for me and also repetition is so useful for allowing me to approach things from different angles but also with reminders that the essential truths remain. The Easter traditions which I grew up with were attending church on Good Friday and Easter Sunday, Mum creating an Easter garden including a stone and a cave, little trees and sand. We always had an Easter hunt, which was quite interesting when we were away on the boat and they had to be hidden around the confined space of a yacht. We also tended to visit different churches at Easter because we were often on holiday. Coromandel Anglican church was a real favourite. The vicar was a woman, which always seemed to bode well, and she wore a gorgeous brightly coloured robe on Easter Sunday. There was always a great children's talk and the service was never too long (got to love the Anglican 15 minute sermon). We could always follow along in the prayer book and there was morning tea - especially important with three young children. Oh and when we went up for communion she blessed all the children. Talk about a way to make kids feel special.
So now that it is my turn to set the traditions and also to think about what is appropriate for an almost two year old, it seems very important business. Hubby and I have already adopted the Easter Egg hunt and have even done ones with only adults involved and some very cryptic clues. We want to make our own hot crossed buns this year as food seems to always be popular around here. Some other lovely suggestions I heard at my church Mum's group this week were decorating egg shells, creating an egg tree out of an old branch, reading children's versions of the Easter story and baking easter treats. A great product I was recommended is a plastic egg carton with 12 plastics eggs. Each egg has a tiny object inside which is a symbol representing a step in the Easter story. I think that would be wonderful for next year so that we can tell the story and she can learn by touching and playing with each object. Maybe we could even make our own.
One of the most profound things I have done at Easter is to take communion. It is so poignant to break bread and drink wine at Easter because it is so raw, the pain, the tragedy but also the hope and the freedom. Ultimate sacrifice.
Another event which has made Easter real to me again has been attending a Stations of the Cross art exhibition. Meditating on the art and they interpretations of the steps Jesus took to the cross have moved me and helped me to recommit myself to Him.
This year in the neverending thing that is life and parenthood I need to make some space and time for Easter to be real to me again, otherwise what do I have to share with Ella, except an empty story and some cliched traditions.
How to help
With all my posts recently revealing the reality of depression as I experience it, I have had a few people ask me how they can help. And some people have commented on how they read my posts and then see me and I appear all chirpy. I think that these comments show why depression can be so difficult for those who care for someone who is depressed. And can make it very difficult to identify depression if the person doesn't want others to know.
To be honest, I don't go out if I can't be cheery, even if inside I am anxious and struggling. I am also an extrovert and so being around people is energising and often stops the circular and negative thoughts that can be so difficult to shake.
The things I have found helpful have been people keeping in touch, even if it is just a text to let me know they are thinking of me or just keeping me posted on their lives. When I see people I appreciate people treating me like normal or a listening ear. My hubby takes the brunt of it so I really appreciate people caring for him and supporting him by just keeping in touch and hanging out. When thing are really hard, meals have been a life saver and another couple have looked after Ella so I can attend therapy regularly. That help has been invaluable and helps me to do what I need to do to get well.
But in the end my mental health is my responsibility. No matter how much people may pray or offer help, it is all really going on in my head. And that is really hard to tell people. It is really hard for people to know that I can't cope not because of any physical reason that you can see. Instead it is a combination of brain chemistry, personality, life experience and patterns that have developed over my life. And it seems that the stress and tiredness of becoming a parent has brought it all to a head.
But I guess what I wish for is that you keep an eye out for the people around you. That you are aware of those who may be struggling and that you reach out to them. Mental illness is so lonely and knowing someone has noticed and cares can give me the courage to keep battling this and to feel that I am worth it.
To be honest, I don't go out if I can't be cheery, even if inside I am anxious and struggling. I am also an extrovert and so being around people is energising and often stops the circular and negative thoughts that can be so difficult to shake.
The things I have found helpful have been people keeping in touch, even if it is just a text to let me know they are thinking of me or just keeping me posted on their lives. When I see people I appreciate people treating me like normal or a listening ear. My hubby takes the brunt of it so I really appreciate people caring for him and supporting him by just keeping in touch and hanging out. When thing are really hard, meals have been a life saver and another couple have looked after Ella so I can attend therapy regularly. That help has been invaluable and helps me to do what I need to do to get well.
But in the end my mental health is my responsibility. No matter how much people may pray or offer help, it is all really going on in my head. And that is really hard to tell people. It is really hard for people to know that I can't cope not because of any physical reason that you can see. Instead it is a combination of brain chemistry, personality, life experience and patterns that have developed over my life. And it seems that the stress and tiredness of becoming a parent has brought it all to a head.
But I guess what I wish for is that you keep an eye out for the people around you. That you are aware of those who may be struggling and that you reach out to them. Mental illness is so lonely and knowing someone has noticed and cares can give me the courage to keep battling this and to feel that I am worth it.
Saturday, 2 April 2011
I think I love my cleaner
This week was the first week of having a cleaner. She is going to come once a fortnight for 2 hours and do all the basics. On the morning of her first visit I had wrestled about how much I should tidy up before she arrived. I made sure the floor was clear and there were no health department issues, but beyond that I just left it. It was challenging to have someone come into our home and see the proof of the fact that we have been just surviving. There is something about being a mother and the home as a reflection of your competence which makes me feel very vulnerable. I feel like the general mess and grime of our house was a visual representation of how I have been feeling inside. She could see my depression in all its pain and inability to manage.
Thankfully she is a very gentle and caring woman who was honest with me about her life and how she wants to work. And I was so proud of myself for being honest with her. And instead of escaping while she cleaned I just carried on doing things with Ella until it suited us to leave. As I watched her cleaning so carefully I wasn't filled with embarrassment or shame. Instead I felt such a joy and relief that it was something I wasn't going to have to worry about but not do anymore.
But this has led to me really questioning where all this baggage about cleaning and keeping house all comes from. Of course the image of the 1950s housewife with the perfect house, perfect child, meal on the table, kiss for the husband and perfectly groomed, is alive and well in our society. But there is a reason that "mothers little helpers" became so popular at that time. You can't exist as a person while trying to fulfill that stereotype. You can't be tired, or sick, or struggling or normal to be that mother. And I don't want to be, even if I could.
Instead I want to be able to enjoy time with Ella and Nick and not be thinking that all of our weekends and evenings and my days should be an endless list of chores to be done. And I want to be able to cook nice meals, but once I had done the bare minimum around the house, takeaways seemed like the only option for tea. And to be honest, I just want to enjoy my life. Survival is not enough for me. And I have enough to do with caring for Ella, working, trying to be a good partner to my husband and good to myself that paying someone to do the cleaning makes a lot of sense.
So here endeth justifying myself. And if you read this and find yourself judging me for not cleaning my own house then know that I couldn't give a hoot what you think cause I am too busy getting on with enjoying my life again. And what does it say about our society that women are responsible for the cleanliness of the house? I have always been a bit scathing about men driving cars as an extension of their own masculinity, but using the house as an extension of my competence as a mother, wife or woman is pretty sad too.
Thankfully she is a very gentle and caring woman who was honest with me about her life and how she wants to work. And I was so proud of myself for being honest with her. And instead of escaping while she cleaned I just carried on doing things with Ella until it suited us to leave. As I watched her cleaning so carefully I wasn't filled with embarrassment or shame. Instead I felt such a joy and relief that it was something I wasn't going to have to worry about but not do anymore.
But this has led to me really questioning where all this baggage about cleaning and keeping house all comes from. Of course the image of the 1950s housewife with the perfect house, perfect child, meal on the table, kiss for the husband and perfectly groomed, is alive and well in our society. But there is a reason that "mothers little helpers" became so popular at that time. You can't exist as a person while trying to fulfill that stereotype. You can't be tired, or sick, or struggling or normal to be that mother. And I don't want to be, even if I could.
Instead I want to be able to enjoy time with Ella and Nick and not be thinking that all of our weekends and evenings and my days should be an endless list of chores to be done. And I want to be able to cook nice meals, but once I had done the bare minimum around the house, takeaways seemed like the only option for tea. And to be honest, I just want to enjoy my life. Survival is not enough for me. And I have enough to do with caring for Ella, working, trying to be a good partner to my husband and good to myself that paying someone to do the cleaning makes a lot of sense.
So here endeth justifying myself. And if you read this and find yourself judging me for not cleaning my own house then know that I couldn't give a hoot what you think cause I am too busy getting on with enjoying my life again. And what does it say about our society that women are responsible for the cleanliness of the house? I have always been a bit scathing about men driving cars as an extension of their own masculinity, but using the house as an extension of my competence as a mother, wife or woman is pretty sad too.
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