I am a joiner

I while ago I heard someone comment about how some people are 'joiners'. They will join anything which moves and love to be on committees. The way it was described it seemed to be something to be embarrassed about and a sign of some personal insecurity. At the time I thought maybe that was true and I know there are people who seem addicted to committees. But I think I am proud to be a bit of a joiner.

I mentioned this in conversation today and a number of mums said that being part of things is how you form community. I have always wanted to be involved in things but often found work meant I was too busy or too tired to do it. Now that I am home and more flexible most of the week I have more time. And being a Mum puts you in touch with so many groups which only exist because of volunteers who believe in their cause. I love that finally I am able to contribute to the community in a tangible way and there is so much which can be done!

Living in Auckland can feel very lonely. So many people but no connections. Joining creates connections and community which is no small thing. One Mum I talked to today said it was wierd now that her oldest has started school cause she doesn't know all the parents of the kids. Suddenly people are strangers again after the preschool years where she knew all her kids friends and their parents.

I guess joining also gives life purpose. Each day can be very repetitive with a wee one and being part of a group gives me adult connection and motivation. It keeps my mind ticking over and keeps me reflecting on my parenting. At present I am helping out with my local La Leche League group. The women I have meant are inspiring, strong and intelligent. They are such a blessing and an invaluable support.

So I am a proud joiner. And I think with so much pressure on our time and the economic pressures facing everyone, what we all need is a few more joiners who can make life a little easier for others.

Eclectic Effervescence: Offense.

Eclectic Effervescence: Offense.

Eclectic Effervescence: Offense.

Eclectic Effervescence: Offense.

Check this out. Facebook must be very male dominated where its management is concerned!

Surrendering to a decision I had already made

Anyone who knows me will know that Ella's sleep has been a common topic of conversation. She still wakes at night and recently stopped napping in her cot during the day. Every few weeks I hit a wall of exhaustion and we re-evaluate how we are dealing with things and try to improve the situation. We got to the point at the weekend where I just felt desperate and exhausted and just couldn't go on with nothing changing. But here is the rub. I just can't and won't leave Ella to cry. Many people have sung the praises of leaving your bub to cry for three nights and how it worked wonders with their child's sleep. Now I believe these stories but I just couldn't get my head around leaving Ella to cry. So each time I got to the end of my rope I would ask for advice and be told that this was the only option.

But this week a miracle happened. I realised I had already decided what I wanted to do and the only step left was to surrender to it. I had a lovely chat to a mother who has chosen to raise her children in a gentle way. She has her babies sleep in her bed until they are gently ready to leave. She finally put into words what I have been struggling with. I know how I feel in my heart but I just kept getting stuck thinking that going with Ella's needs would lead my life into chaos and it scared me. All these fears stopped me surrendering to what I knew in my heart. And also it is hard to choose a different way of doing things without people to talk to about it and see how it is done.

So that night we decided to welcome Ella into our bed, not as a desperate way to cope with her waking, but as a normal way to parent your child when they do normal baby things, like waking in the night. We have also decided to change our practical bed arrangements to make it work. And for day naps if she needs to feed to sleep with me that is fine, or if she needs to be in the wrap or buggy that is fine too. I am going with her and not thinking about 'routines' and what other people are doing. We are going to do our own thing and go with our own pattern.

As soon as my husband and I made that decision I felt such a huge burden lifted and such peace and freedom. I am no longer reaching for some illusive perfection or the 'right way' to do things. Instead I can feel confident in my instincts, my research and my relationship with Ella.

As I look around our home I see that I had already made this decision. All the books I have read are gentle in approach. I am committed to breastfeeding for as long as it is a positive experience for us both, and I always gravitate towards parents who do things in a gentle way. So my conversation really just gave me permission and a practical way forward.

So I feel like a new woman. I am not going to work as much as I had, so I have more energy. I am going to bed with Ella so I get early nights and napping during the day even if their are other things to do. I am slowing myself down to move more at Ella's pace, rather than what I was trying to do before.

I have hope and joy back in my relationship with Ella. Life is good!

Dreams fulfilled

This week I got my dream job. For years I have wanted to work in a teen parent unit and the opportunity has come up to work part time teaching English. As I was interviewed and then started preparing for the term to start I have been amazed that so much of my teaching experience which I thought was a big mess of restlessness and bad decisions turns out to have prepared me so well for this role. I feel like my career path is being redeemed. And I have my passion back. I am full of ideas and excitement about working with these young women. And I am so grateful to God for his goodness. Ella will be just across the road so I can continue to feed her and see her when I need to and I am able to work the days which suit. I really couldn't ask for more.

I truly gave my work situation over to God and have so little energy and not much confidence in myself that I have really had to leave it all in His hands. And this means I have a real sense of peace about the job. He has opened all the doors and put everything in place so I can trust Him with how it will work out. And all my past experiences are helping me to have realistic expectations of people and what it will be like but also inspiring me to risk more in my commitment and vision for what I could do.

For the first time I think I have my dream job!

A beautiful moment

Sleep - the eternal debate. I have been struggling with helping Ella to sleep. She is a really alert baby and struggles to relax enough to sleep. But this morning as I fed her after trying to settle her for a while she peacefully closed her eyes, turned her head away and stretched towards her cot. I put her down and she drifted off. What a beautiful moment where I was able to help her to relax and then she was able to tell me she wanted to go to bed now. Many people have told me not to feed to sleep but Ella has told exactly what to do and I love that we can communicate so well now. It is times like these that all my confusion and questioning turns to clarity and love for my sweet girl and how smart she is.

Pride comes before a fall

Sometimes I have magical weeks where it seems like everything is going smoothly. Ella and I seem to have this whole thing sorted. I am doing lots and getting lots done. The house is clean, the laundry done and I have managed to cook each night. I feel I am awesome at this motherhood thing. But I also call these weeks manic weeks. Because it is not reality, it cannot last. I am doing too much and eventually the wheels fall off. Ella stops sleeping during the day, or I have a crisis of confidence or I get sick or any number of normal things happen and I realise again that perfection is not a target or a goal.

I am a very task orientated person and I love routine and achieving things each day. But being Ella's Mum is not about that. It is a relationship and you can't be in relationship with someone by setting up systems and structures. Instead you love and care for another person by being available, by listening, by risking and responding. And slowly I am letting myself truly relate and respond to Ella. Every day is different for me so why wouldn't it be for her?

I often fall into the trap of thinking predictability and structure will make life more manageable. But it doesn't. It often results in me doing too much and feeling like I have to perform each day at a certain level. Instead by going with my energy each day and where Ella is at I find that I am more joyful in each day. I am more in touch with my own voice and hers and feel so much more satisfaction. And I tend to avoid the huge crashes which come at the end of a 'manic week'.

So life muddles on. I has taken the best part of the week to recover from our camping trip and have the house in some semblance of tidiness. But in that time I have rested and enjoyed Ella. So I keep learning that when I feel so proud about how wonderfully I am managing everything maybe it is time to slow down and muddle a bit more.